A Snapshot of Us

Perfection

2012-01-06T19:20:00.000-06:00

It wasn't the 68 degree afternoon, nor brilliant-cloudless-blue sky that made today perfect.

It wasn't the fact that we saw more of the animals, and closer, than ever before that created a perfect zoo outing.

It wasn't because we were able to ride the train as many times as you wanted, ride the carousel 3 times in a row and follow the exact path of your choosing that we had a perfect afternoon.

It was spending the day with you, in all of your exuberant joy, your delight in the train/carousel/animals/trees/rocks -

the sparkle in your eyes, holding your little hand in mine, and soaking in all of the wonderful parts of your three-year-old self

that made these moments a memory I will cherish for the rest of my days.

An Interview With the Kids About....Mommy.

2011-12-03T18:54:00.002-06:00

21 questions, 10 minutes, 2 kids, and a glimpse into their world.

1. What is something Mommy always says to you?
Cali: Pick up your room.
Mateo: Dinosaurs.

2. What makes Mommy happy?
Cali: When I pick up my room.
Mateo: The Christmas tree.

3. What makes Mommy sad?
Cali: When Miguel screams at you and doesn't stop.
Mateo: Like this (Bambi eyes)

4. How does Mommy make you laugh?
Cali: By telling me jokes.

Mateo: Like this "hehehe"

5. What was Mommy like as a child?
Cali: I don't know.

Mateo: A long neck baby dinosaur. (Editor's note: Ummm...what?)

6. How old is Mommy?
Cali: 32.

Mateo: 3.

7. How tall is Mommy?
Cali: 33 inches.

Mateo: Big.

8. What is Mommy's favorite thing to do?
Cali: Go shopping with me at Hobby Lobby.

Mateo: Play with toys.

9. What does Mommy do when you're not around?
Cali: Get groceries.

Mateo: Play with my toys.

10. If Mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?
Cali: Because she won something.

Mateo: Ummm...a parade.

11. What is Mommy really good at?
Cali: Sewing.

Mateo: A llama. (Editor's note: No, wait. I take back my original "Um...what???", and re-insert it here.)

12. What is Mommy not very good at?
Cali: Mmmm...I don't know.

Mateo: Ummm...the cheetahs. (Editor's note: I'm beginning to see a pattern here...)

13. What does Mommy do for her job?
Cali: Be a mom.

Mateo: To make things.

14. What is Mommy's favorite food?
Cali: Strawberries.
Mateo: Sprite.

15. What makes you proud of Mommy?
Cali: That you help me.
Mateo: For a prize.

16. If Mommy were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Cali: Dora.

Mate: A pink candle. (Editor's note: I'm not even going to ask.)

17. What do you and Mommy do together?
Cali: Go shopping.

Mateo: Watch "Go, Diego Go".

18. How are you and Mommy the same?
Cali: We both have long hair.

Mateo: We're both little. (Editor's note: this one, I'm ok with.) ;-)

19. How are you and Mommy different?
Cali: We have different colored eyes.

Mateo: Cause I'm so little.

20. How do you know Mommy loves you?
Cali: Because I love *you*.

Mateo: Mmmm...with a llama.

21. Where is Mommy's favorite place to go?

Cali: Little Wal-Mart.

Mateo: To the zoo!

Light

2011-11-15T17:21:00.001-06:00

I want you to remember,

The greatest gift you can give to the world is to shine. As bright as you can.

Rest assured, this is a choice. One that must be made each day. You can choose to be consumed by the darkness of our world - or choose to brighten it. Some days that may mean as little as leaving a positive comment on a friends blog, or smiling at a stranger. Others will involve more elaborate plans. You may never see the results of these, whether grand or small. Do them anyway.

Living a life that affirms all people as valuable can only bring more brightness to this world. You may not have the dazzling gifts of others. Of music, or charisma, or leadership, or organization. But there is no one else on Earth who can share quite the same light as you. Remember, what to you may be the tiniest, most inconsequential outreach of love - might just change the world for that one person.

Surround yourself with people who choose to live in the light as well. There will be seasons when the darkness of depression creeps in, and the glow becomes a flicker. These are the days that your loved ones will help light the way for you.

Be intentional about being a candle of hope for others. Be intentional about sharing the warmth of love. Be intentional about changing the world.

Every day.

It will be worth it,
C.K.

p.s. This letter is addressed to me, but I love it that it speaks to others, too :-)

Halloween, in Pictures

2011-11-04T14:28:00.000-05:00

Thought Process

2011-10-22T21:00:00.001-05:00

This sign that appeared tonight on Cali's door inspired the following thought process:

1.) As much as I whole-heartedly agree with the sentiment, why did the 5-year old post a sign prohibiting booze in her room?

2.) I guess that would explain why one of the party-goers looks a little sad...

3.) Oh, wait, maybe that says "boys".

4.) Umm, how do I handle this?

5.) I generally have a "you can't say you can't play" policy, but should that pertain to rooms?

6.) Do I really have to deal with this tonight?

7.) Hmmm...I wonder which face corresponds with which child?

8.) I'm guessing the one with snaggley teeth would be our resident T-Rex.

9.) In all fairness, he *does* bite...

10.) So that probably makes the smiley one Cali.

11.) Why does she have 80's hairspray-'em-'til-the-wind-won't-budge-'em bangs?

12.) I wonder what super swell "fashion" trends she will be into when Middle School rolls around?

13.) And how much I will grind my teeth down enduring said trends?

By this time, she was yelling for Mateo to come to her room and play.

Which just goes to show that a female, at any age, is a fickle, fickle thing.

Scraps

2011-10-22T11:08:00.000-05:00

I needed to create a little something to send as part of a new swap I joined, using scraps of fabric that I already had. I was stumped.

I wasn't in the mood to do a zipper. Zippers are not my friend. So that ruled out a cute little pouch. I started a few different other projects, which quickly went into the recycle pile. Nothing seemed quite right. I was quickly losing the desire to make *anything*, which is a miserable place to be.

So, in the wise words of Tim Gunn, I decided to "make it work" and just create from the heart.

This is what I came up with.

When life gives you scraps, turn them into a scrappy little rainbow bunting :-)

Snapshots

2011-10-21T13:31:00.004-05:00

I have been feeling fairly blah lately, and haven't really been in the mood to do much blogging (obviously). But am almost ready to start climbing out of my cave...in the meantime, here are some snapshots of my favorite kiddos.

In this picture, I am: In the hay maze at the pumpkin patch.

Some of my favorite things are:
- Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin.
- my "sticky jump rope"
- Pepperoni-less pepperoni pizza
- Finding Nemo and Astro Boy
- playing Elmo's World games on pbskids.com

In this picture, I am: Riding a pony at the pumpkin patch, while holding Froggy (our class mascot, who gets to visit a different kids home each weekend, and write about his adventures in his journal).

Some of my favorites are:
- making up new games
- drawing
- cereal and milk
- playing the sight word game
- putting on plays
- running my bakery on Bakery Story
- wearing boots with skirts/dresses

In this picture, I am: Riding on a horse drawn wagon at the pumpkin patch.
Some of my favorites are:
- wearing shorts
- as long as they have a cargo pocket that I can carry my "monies" in
- peanut butter sandwiches (without the crust)
- reading my nightmare book (a collection of 3 Mercer Mayer books - that he has memorized almost word for word...)
- riding the train at the zoo

Yippee! {Part 2}

2011-09-29T17:47:00.000-05:00

Look what the mailman just brought!!! What a wonderful day, to receive *both* goodies from the Mug Rug swap on the same day! As soon as I read the name on the return address, a big grin spread across my face - I knew exactly what it was! I then realized that one of the ladies I had been creating for, was creating for me as well! What a fabulous surprise!

I have been drawn to this Mug Rug since she first posted progress photos on the Flickr group, and even more so when she said on a blog post that the beautiful center fabric was intentionally used because it was going to a Mama with 3 little birds in her nest. I had hoped it was for me - but never dreamed that it would really come!

Here is the back of the Mug Rug, and the inside of the notepad holder - isn't the fabric scrumptious?? I just love all of her fabric choices, they are *perfect* for me! Everything from the design to the tiny details she included are just fabulous. I know I am gushing, but gosh darn it, I am just so happy - it's my blog, so I'll gush if I want to! ;-)

Cranes hold a special place in Elisa's heart, so she included an origami crane with the package - such a special touch! I tried to get a good picture of it, but couldn't do it justice. You'll just have to take my word for, it is such an elegant thing of beauty. I just can't stop smiling, how lucky am I, to have had 2 such kind and thoughtful partners!!!

I have gotten to know Elisa through her blog and by emailing back and forth, as we have several things in common. It was a pretty inspired bit of partner matching on Cindy, the Swap Creator's part, if I do say so myself! I sincerely feel that I got not only a beautiful mug rug and notebook holder out of this swap, but also a new friend. Thank you so much Elisa, you are a blessing!

Yippee! {part 1}

2011-09-29T14:39:00.003-05:00

Do you know how some days just need a "pick-me-up"? Well today, mine came in a brown UPS truck - one of my goodies from the Mug Rug swap arrived today! I was a good girl, and even though I was *beyond* curious to see what was wrapped up in that yummy fabric, I read the note first. And that was when I started crying.

You see, my amazing partner Cindy really took the time to get to know me. To read what I had written on this blog, and create something straight from her heart. A few weeks ago, she asked a hypothetical question of the group - if everyone in your family had to wear their favorite color shirt for a family picture, what would the colors be? (I have to laugh now, because I was the first person to answer the question! what did you think of that, Cindy???)

Well, here is the reason why:

I hope she doesn't mind me quoting from her sweet note, but her words are just perfect to explain:

...It was designed especially for you. I did some research on what the symbol for Autism was, and found it is a puzzle piece. That's when everything came together and I asked the general question on what everyone's family's favorite colors were. I wanted the colors of the pinwheels to swoop in to the puzzle piece representing all the love and support you have for your son...

It is just beyond perfect. I truly can't put in to words what it means for someone to put that amount of thought and work into creating something for me! Oh, and there is more -

here is the whole package! The little turtle is a pincushion - isn't it adorable? I have been using the same tomato-and-a-strawberry pincushion for 12 years, this will definitely jazz up my sewing table. She also sent a sweet little zippered pouch that is just the right size to put all of my cards (now that every store/restaurant/place of business has a separate rewards card for me to lose...) And to round out the package, a cute little notepad and a tin of Suisse Mocha - exactly what I need right about now :-)

It was a wonderful experience to be a part of this group, I took so much joy out of making gifts for 2 people that I have gotten to know through the swap. My heart felt so happy to read that my partners (Jules and Elisa) were happy with their Mug Rugs - kinda like the saying about it being "better to give than to receive"....

...but I must say, it feels pretty good to receive a wonderful gift like this, too! ;-)

Thank you so much Cindy!

Mug Rug Mania!

2011-09-12T16:48:00.002-05:00

I entered into the world of quilting blogs this summer, and found an amazing source for inspiration, motivation, and flat-out quilt envy. I also discovered "Swaps". There are many different variations, but they are basically secret partner exchanges where you make a specified item for your assigned person, mail it, while someone else is making something to send to you. I was very nervous to join one, as I am very much a beginning quilter - but I signed up for the mug rug swap anyway! (mug rugs are between big coasters and small place mats, a place for your mug and a sweet treat - totally up my alley!)

I couldn't have picked a better group to join up with. It is an international swap, mostly with participants from Australia, England, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Ireland and the US. (Which means I am picking up new phrases like "cuppa" and "bits and bobs" :-) Quilters really are the nicest people - they have all been very kind and encouraging. Since I don't know who is making my rug, the first step was to post a few pictures mug rugs/goodies that I love, to help my partner get to know me. Here are some of the things I picked:

Aren't they beautiful??? I have discovered that Mug Rugs are great projects for me. Being so small, they are fairly quick to make. Which means they are not as daunting to try new techniques as with a whole quilt. So, everyone I know might be receiving a Mug Rug this Christmas...

I have been busily learning about my 2 partners, planning, sewing, and generally enjoying seeing all of the projects that everyone else is working on. Here are the things that I have made for my 2 partners:

Mug Rug front

back of Mug Rug and a little zippered pouch

needlebook front

needlebook interior

Mug Rug sneak peek - if I show the whole thing, my partner will immediately know who she is, and that would spoil the fun of guessing! :-)

We are supposed to start mailing them at the end of next week, so hopefully by the beginning of October I will be able to share the new Mug Rugs that are being made especially for me! :-)

Process

2011-09-05T15:42:00.003-05:00

I'm just not feelin' it today. Having 3 children climb into my bed at 4:45 (and promptly start whining/fighting/echolalia-ing) *might* have something to do with it, but the truth is, as much as I would love to be shiny-happy-bright person all the time - I'm just not. Sometimes I wonder why so many other people seem to have life all figured out, yet I seem to be repeating the same learning lessons over and over.

So I got to thinking. Several of the quilting blogs I follow are great about sharing not only their beautiful finished projects, but the entire journey involved in the creating. They understand that every step of the process is important, not just celebrating the end result. And there are some very valuable lessons to be learned there.

As I have 4 name banners to paint in the next week or so, I thought I would share my process.

1. I usually spend at least one "day dreamy" day seeking inspiration for each name banner. I hate how "new-age flaky artist-y" it sounds, but the things that turn out the best really do seem to just come to me. I can't force a banner, I have to wait for the right idea to come along.

2. At least 2 coats of each color of paint for each base, and oftentimes many more. (Red is my nemesis.)

3. An example of why trusting instincts can be a good thing: the customer and I had originally discussed a polka dot border. I like the gears SO much better, and think it fits the little boy perfectly. Probably 4 hours of work invested so far.

4. Let the initial creating commence.

5. Tedious. The only word for painting 3 coats of each and every color on each and every little part of each and every little vehicle is....tedious. And I have to say, at this point of every name banner, I think they look awful. I *always* hate the half-way points of them. At least 10 hours of work at this point.

6. It is almost magic how adding a few details to the fairly simple images I use, makes a huge difference. In this case, outlining every vehicle, adding headlights/grills/etc. was the turning point from "Ugh, I don't like this.at.all." to "Ok, I can show this to the customer now!" I have painted enough banners to know to push through the "ick" stages, to make it to the point where all the pieces seem to work together. No matter how much I hate some of the steps in the process, somehow, things always seem turn out ok.

Which makes me think that perhaps a better title for this post would have been "Jeremiah 29:11". Both for me as the painter of projects, and for me as a project of The Painter.

Back to School Festivities

2011-08-25T10:02:00.000-05:00

The past 24 hours, in pictures.

One last Aquarium trip before the start of the school year.

I saved the Groupon for these dozen cupcakes for a time such as this!

Celebrating Back to School Eve.

Waiting.

Anticipating.

"We go to my school now Mom?"

Right after I found her hiding under the covers in bed....

"Mommy, I think Mateo needs me more than you do."

I didn't cry - until I read this poem.

At the "Kindergarten Parents BooHoo Breakfast"

Heavenly Father,
Hold their hands when I cannot.
Be ever present as they learn new things.
Stand by them as they make new friends.
Give them Your peace when I am not there.
Keep them safe as they navigate this wide world.
Fill them with compassion for all that they encounter.
Show them that they are loved with a love that lasts beyond time.

Amen.

Kindergarten Letters

2011-08-24T09:02:00.001-05:00

Dear Mrs. R.,
Thank you for answering the call to be a teacher. It is an awesome responsibility to welcome 21 young minds into your life, to teach, shepherd and nurture them for 9 months. I promise to support you in any way that I can, and commit to praying for you this year as you spend 7 hours each day with my precious child. I pray that Cali will be a blessing to your classroom, that each day you will wake up refreshed and energized to teach the children entrusted to you, and that you will be a loving presence in their lives.
Excited to begin this journey,
Chrissa

Dear classmates,

I have been praying for you for months. That you will be fun. That you, who as a group will be with my girl for the next six years, will contain friends. That you are getting the necessities, love and support that you need. And most of all, that you will be kind.

We're all in this together,

Cali's Mom

Dear Hello Kitty lunch box,
I must have lost my mind, to buy a white lunch box for a 5 year old. I apologize in advance for the battering that will occur to your cute little face in the next 9 months...
Sorry about that,
Your purchaser

Dear Caliana,

Tomorrow is the day that I have been anticipating/dreading for 5 years. Each day of your life, you have grown a little bit, gaining knowledge, height, personality and a self. You are ready to step out into the world and begin to discover your place. I delight in you, in your joy at life, your creativity, your sparkling brown eyes, in all of the ways that God so wondrously made you. As I struggle to take this first step in letting you go, I know that I am letting you go to be a blessing to those you encounter. It will be difficult to unclasp my hand from yours as I leave you in the classroom tomorrow - know that I will be holding you in my heart while you are away, always.

With more love than you can ever imagine,

Mommy

Snapshots from our day

2011-08-12T19:42:00.001-05:00

To celebrate the cooler weather this afternoon, we took a trip to the zoo. Mateo insists on riding the train as the first phase of each zoo trip, which turned out to be wonderful timing. The gal sitting in front of us on the train turned out to be a friend from my OU days (who I haven't seen in 11 years). She and her family just moved to town, less than two miles from us!

Miguel is fairly "anti-camera", so I have lots and lots of this pose. Fortunately, I love it. I can still see the little boy in him when his face is tilted down.

My children are very serious frozen yogurt eaters.

(Either that or their teeth are stuck together, as they all insist on putting Gummy Bears on their ice cream...)

I Can Do That! {book nook}

2011-08-08T09:46:00.002-05:00

"I Can Do That!" A collection of some of the ideas that have been languishing in my Bookmarks folder for weeks/months/years, finally brought to life.

My story begins with a respectable desire to do some organization. I had intended to change our hall linen closet from Miguel's clothes (long story) to a toy storage area now that the boys are sharing a room. And then I had an idea.

As a kid, I was always intrigued by secret passages. Hiding places, hidden tunnels, mysteriously disguised doors. I used to search for them everywhere I went. Never found anything, but I always dreamed I would. So when I found an idea to turn a closet into a little reading spot, I jumped at the chance to give the kids their very own "secret" spot.

Here is the original, (but first a word of warning: her project is super cool. And involved power tools. Mine is most definitely a pale imitation.) Book Nook from Thrifty Decor Chick.

My version:
- using a hammer, I knocked the bottom shelf loose. (No shelves were harmed in the making of this nook. It is resting peacefully in the garage, and can easily be re-nailed should the need arise)
- scrounged around in the ~~tool~~ ~~storage~~ junk closet and found two colors of leftover paint. I have a crush on horizontal striped rooms right now, so I alternated white and light tan.
- used 1 yard of clearance fabric to make a cushion (spare bed pillow as the insert) and 2 throw pillows. ($5)
- bought 2 stick-on LED lights ($4.97)
- realized that it is wise to check for "batteries not included" advisories *before* leaving the store.
- went back to store for pack of AAA batteries ($1.97)
- re-purposed matching winter hat/glove/boot storage boxes to be new matching toy storage boxes.
- painted pennants at the top of the seating area, exhorting them to "Read!"
- added children.

I will admit, it is a teeny-tiny space. But fortunately, they are also still fairly teeny-tiny people. And with a mere $12 investment, when the kids outgrow the nook in a few years it will be no problem to convert it back to a plain old linen closet. I am very happy with the Book Nook - and more than a little jealous that they have a secret hiding spot. Maybe I need to start scouting out prime locations for a "Mommy Nook"...

Mere Mortal Monday

2011-08-08T06:41:00.006-05:00

If you have ever dared to turn your back on a dear, sweet little one for 2.7 minutes and this happened....

Congratulations, you are a Mere Mortal too! Think of all the time you will save not having to map out every phone booth in town for quick SuperHero costume changes. And as a bonus, you now know that it takes at least 4 hair washings to get an entire tub of Eucerin cream out of a 2 year-old's hair!

Why I Write.

2011-08-05T10:09:00.002-05:00

One of the little blogs I follow (and when I say little, I mean with almost 30,000,000 visits in the past 3 years) is Kelly's Korner. She has a wonderful, regular Friday feature on her blog called "Show Us Your Life". Today's topic is Blogging Tips. While I feel in no way qualified to offer blogging advice, here is my one little tidbit of the day.

Know why you write.

It could be to share the amazing crafts you have created. It could be to evangelize. It could be show Grandma pictures of your little darlings. And it's great to have many things that drive your passion to post! But whatever the reasons, by taking a few moments to know your intentions, you guarantee success. Not necessarily in the goal of becoming famous, or having scads of followers, but in recording the unique perspective that is YOU.

When I started my blog several years ago, my intention was to provide both out-of-town family and friends with updates on our kiddos. But over time, it has become so much more to me. Today, I write to:

- send myself reminders. No, not to pick up milk and eggs at the store (although I *do* need to find that sticky note...) But to record ideas that are meaningful in the present, because there is a good chance they will serve a purpose in my future. Like this one.

- make myself laugh. Because some days, you can either laugh or cry - like these: How to cook dinner and how to survive an ice day .

- as therapy. I can't count the number of times that I have plopped down in front of the computer in desperation, filled with grief/frustration/sorrow, and started typing. And as the words seem to flow, suddenly the burden is a little lighter. Some days I have a revelation, like the caterpillar post, and some days I don't. But it is a release to sit down and focus.

- share that we are not alone. That in this life of Autism, and competitive parenting, and tragedy - there are others walking with us. And that God's grace is covering it all.

and most of all,

- to keep a snapshot of my little darlings. The way they are in each little day, in each stage as they grow. Of the precious little things that make them *them*, that are so real today, but whose memory will fade in the years to come. Of the days where nothing extraordinary happens - other than the miracle that is each one of them.

That is why I write. How about you?

Congratulations, You Have Been "Miguel-ed"!

2011-08-04T07:12:00.002-05:00

Miguel has a fascination with certain facts about people. He can tell you the:

- oven color
- neighborhood name
- stairs status
- car color
- name and number of pets

of virtually everyone he comes in contact with on a regular basis. And if there is a tidbit of knowledge that he wants to know, he can be...persistent. As in ask-me-20-times-in-a-30-minute-span persistent. So in the interest of sanity, I tend to find out the information he is requesting (perhaps I should add Research Assistant to my resume...) I will be honest, I used to feel sheepish when I would send the emails/text messages/facebook posts to friends/family members/acquaintances requesting the color of their appliances. Surely they were rolling their eyes at the odd questions from the crazy lady with the crazy kid.

But then I realized something.

My son has a disorder that is characterized by difficulty with social interactions, with being more interested in repetition and objects than people. We struggle daily with trying to help him carry on normal conversations and to initiate contact with others. When he asks these questions, he is attempting (albeit slightly obsessively) to gather new information about others, to interact in the only way he knows how. Why on Earth would I feel embarrassed about that??? Once he knows the answers, he typically repeats them whenever the persons name is mentioned, or we actually see them. He creates mental files on the people he cares about, making them a part of his life - which I think is pretty swell. I might even go as far as to say it is somewhat of an honor. I know that I would feel honored if a kiddo with Autism thought I was special enough to wonder about me.

So if in the past 3 years, I have sought trivial information from you on Miguel's behalf - thank you for indulging him. And if in the future, you see an email from me titled "Miguel would like to know..." consider yourself lucky: you are part of a very prestigious club.

I can do that! {birthday cake krispies}

2011-08-03T11:44:00.003-05:00

The first installment of "I Can Do That!" A collection of some of the ideas that have been languishing in my Bookmarks folder for weeks/months/years, finally brought to life.

The blogging community is such an incredible resource for creative inspiration. And when I say "creative", today I mean "yummy". I stumbled across this recipe yesterday, and thought it would be the perfect surprise for my little darlings. Rice Krispy treats, kicked up with cake mix and sprinkles - a cute little twist on a classic! There's something about sprinkles that makes something ordinary feel special. Here is the recipe from How Sweet Eats. Next time you need a quick snack at work, a birthday party treat or a project to cure the "Mommy, I'm bored" syndrome, give these a try!

Mere Mortal Monday

2011-08-01T14:44:00.004-05:00

(here is the original Mere Mortal post, in case you missed my intent with these candid peeks into why my SuperMom trophy must have gotten lost in the mail)

This is a hard post for me to write. I had planned on doing something silly about the stack of thank you notes that are written but not stamped, and have been that way since the end of June. (and if you are VBS director or volunteer, you didn't just read that. What thank you notes? I finished those in a timely manner ages ago...) But that is not what the day brought.

This afternoon with Miguel has been incredibly difficult. Screaming, throwing, breaking, kicking, scratching, biting, destroying. Wearying. And oh, so frustrating. There are days when I can be positive about Autism, and accept it's reality. And then there are days like today. Days when I am not sure I can do this. Not sure if I want to.

And as soon as I think those words, the painful haze is also flooded with guilt. Parents aren't supposed to feel that way. Parents are supposed to stay calm and think their children are wonderful. And suddenly, not only am I frustrated, covered in scratches, seething in anger about all of the things he has broken - but I am a horrible person. Good mommies aren't supposed to feel this way.

But the reality of life is rarely the same as "supposed to".

Maybe other parents never feel this way (if that is the case, excuse me while I turn and sprint for the nearest exit). I would like to think that they do, but gloss over it. Another one of those "things we don't share" because no one else does, and it seems like maybe it is just us... But today, I stand before you to say that I sometimes want a break. There are days that I don't think being a parent is the most wonderful thing in the world. And if there are moments that you feel that way too, please don't feel ashamed. You are not the only one. You are real.

I have survived as a mother long enough to know that the feelings will pass. His rage will exhaust itself, and our life will return to our own version of normal. He will come stand next to me, gently place his palm on my cheek, and turn my face to look in his eyes. And I will remember that I *do* love this child, that I *do* want to keep trying. But the raw emotion is humbling. And definitely a tangible reminder that I am but a mere mortal.

Keep Your Seam Ripper Handy

2011-07-28T11:15:00.007-05:00

Since the focus of my craftiness has lately turned towards sewing, it seems like the right time to share something I have been mulling over for the past few years.

The summer before Mateo was born, I was at my Grandma's house using her sewing machine to work on a project. My sweet sister-in-law had commissioned me to make little zippered pouches as part of the bridesmaid's gifts for her upcoming wedding. So naturally I wanted them to be beautiful.

I had just sewn a seam with one piece of fabric facing right side out (as I usually do at least once per project), and let out a growl of frustration. Grandma came into the sewing room to check on me, and I told her what I had done. And, I'm sure moaned about my in-expertise as a seamstress and how I hate having to stop and redo things.

What she told me has rolled around in my brain ever since.

"I have never sewn anything without using my seam ripper at least once."

I know that I have a tendency to lean towards the over-dramatic, but a sense of relief really and truly washed over me. The pressure I had put on myself to sew a perfect make-up bag suddenly seemed so silly.

These words came from a woman who has been sewing for close to 80 years. Who has made clothes, dolls, quilts, baby gifts and probably every other item under the sun. Who does beautiful, precise work (that puts my wonky seams and crooked hems to shame...) And after all that time, still makes mistakes - and understands that mistakes are just part of the process. Who has accepted that you just keep your seam ripper next to you, fix the problem, and move on. No belly-aching, whining or temper tantrums, just the reality of sewing.

In that little room, with the fan whirring overhead, it was just an ordinary hot summer day. But great wisdom can often be found in the midst of the ordinary. What a blessing to have been given the permission to make mistakes. What a blessing to have a Grandmother who has loved me all my life, and has taught me so many wonderful things.

And I'm not just talking about sewing.

Sew relaxing.

2011-07-25T19:41:00.004-05:00

I have fallen in love again with sewing this summer. After countless dresses for Cali, I made my very first ever outfit for myself! I don't know what took me so long, it is fabulous to be able to make a skirt (that fits) in the time it takes to watch 1 t.v. show. The t-shirt is a $4 type from walmart, that I altered and embellished. As a person who can never seem to find clothes that I like and/or that fit well, I see many more of these type projects in my future. It is so rewarding to take a flat piece of fabric, and with some planning and (unfortunately) math create a useful, one of a kind item. I don't want to get too Martha-y on you, but I truly find it rewarding and empowering.

A few of my projects:

The dresses I made for the "cousin picture" we had taken of my 3 kids and my 6 nieces and nephews (the little cutie-patooties!) I used a pattern for the itty-bitty one (here) and just improvised with the other two - my preferred way to sew. It is *amazing* how many wonderful blogs and tutorials are out there, I literally have 20 projects waiting for the perfect fabric/wearer/time to be made.

Re-usable shopping bag. (Tutorial found here) The only sturdy fabric I had was plain white canvas. Boring. So using a Sharpie, I drew little pictures all over and then Cali and I colored them in with crayons.

Our church gives a prayer quilt to each baby that is born into our family of Christ. The staff each pray over the blanket before it is given to the child, so they are literally covered in prayer. This is a quilt I made last week in an attempt to use up some of the scraps and lonely pieces of fabric that fill two large boxes in my closet. Why do I have so much black and white fabric? I don't know. I do, however have enough to make at least 2 more. Fortunately the baby expert folks tell me that black and white prints are good for babies' developing vision, so expect to see more black and white projects in the future until the fabric is gone.

Pretty much every baby function that I show up to now involves a handmade gift. I have some in the works, but can't show them yet, lest I ruin the surprise :-)

Mere Mortal Monday

2011-07-25T10:56:00.002-05:00

I'll be honest, after spending so much time trying to convey my intentions on yesterday's post, I was a little worn out regarding what to post today. ( if you missed out on the original post, and are scratching your head as to what all this means, scroll down or click here ) But the show must go on, so without further ado, here is the 1st installment of Mere Mortal Monday (or, Why My SuperMom Cape Must Have Gotten Lost In the Mail)

If you have a counter in your home that just seems to breed junk,

a place that ~~occasionally~~ ~~usually~~ always looks like this:

Congratulations!

You a Mere Mortal just like me, and can now cross "compose Super Hero theme song" off of your weekly to-do list! Now, with all your new-found spare time, pat yourself on the back and repeat after me, "The content of my character is far more important than the cleanliness of my counters."

Have a happy Monday!

The One Where I Get To Thinkin'

2011-07-24T19:16:00.002-05:00

In the past few weeks, I have had several conversations with relatively new mothers that really got me thinking. Here is the basic flow of my thoughts:

1. All of the young mothers voiced the same frustrations, expectations and fears that I had when I was cradling my firstborn babe, and had NO idea how to pull off this thing called motherhood. Which makes me think that maybe it wasn't just me who felt that way, that maybe I am not so crazy after all. (hooray!)

2. I am no longer a young mother, in any sense of the word. (rats.)

3. It is SUCH an overwhelming task learning how to balance a newborn, home, friends, work, life. I think that as women, we put an extraordinary amount of pressure on ourselves to be "perfect", and naturally apply this concept to mothering.

4. Maybe it is selective vision, but it seems like all you see when you are hanging by a thread is families that "have it together". The moms who appear to seamlessly balances 13 perfectly behaved children, while purchasing only organic foods at the grocery store, in their spotless and coordinated boutique outfits, before returning to their Southern-Living-photo-shoot-ready home. And therefore hold that up as the image we should ALL be living up to.

5. Hmmmm, I wonder what happened to this month's Southern Living. It doesn't bode well for my weekend reading that I recently saw a stack of collages on Cali's floor, featuring beautifully photographed front porches, magnolias, iced tea and southern "vegetables"... (Not being a young mother, I can safely say that with each child that enters your home, a portion of your memory, focus and concentration *leaves* your home)

6. Having survived the baby stage of raising children, I feel a responsibility to new mamas. Not to teach them all I know. I know nothing. But to help them understand that it takes time to get this whole parenting thing under control. I took me years to be comfortable holding a baby in one arm, while making sandwiches with the other, while answering such burning questions as "Did God make that bread? Did God make that peanut butter? Why not?". As fine as my education from OU is, I did not acquire these skills in any parenting class, book, lecture or article. It took lots and lots of TIME. And even then, it's pretty safe to say that life will be certifiably crazy for the next 18 years or so. I feel a responsibility to help give them a healthy perspective of this new journey they are embarking on, and to help them find a reasonable set of expectations for themselves.

6. But I don't think the new members of the group are getting that message. I think in the throes of sleep deprivation, emotional exhaustion, endless piles of laundry, and pounds of stale cheerios stuck in every imaginable crevice, there is a tendency to think "This seems so easy for everyone else but me. What am I doing wrong???" I certainly felt that way. And to tell the truth, there are many days that I still do. So often, motherhood seems to involve competition. And that often leads to (inadvertent I'm sure...) selective portrayals of life. Which often creates unrealistic expectations on the brand new mom's part. The whole "if my house is a mess, the dishes reach to the ceiling, Curly Sue isn't in a church-worthy and ironed dress with matching hair bow, I haven't showered in 3 days, and the best meal I made all week is a PBandJ - I must not be a good mom" line of thinking. Not good.

7. I had/have this mental image of what I am supposed to be, and since I obviously wasn't living up to it, I couldn't talk about my fears with moms who seemed to be getting it right. I can not express the relief I felt when I finally opened up with people enough to realize that they had the exact same struggles and challenges. Ahhh, what a release to realize it wasn't just me!

8. I have shared enough of my neurosis with people both in person and on this blog to accept that no one is holding me up as a SuperMom template. (thank goodness!) And while I do think it is wonderful and necessary to have role-models, older and wiser women who can offer advice and support and friends who, through trial and error have figured out some good tips - it is so important to remember that none of these people have alter egos, wear super hero costumes under their clothes, or in any way, shape or form deserve their own comic book. Unless it's The Pioneer Woman. She does appear to be SuperWoman.

And Finally, My Conclusions...

One way to help keep this idea fresh in my mind is to periodically share stories of how my journey as a mother, wife and friend is wonderfully imperfect. I personally have no desire to read endless blogs and hear never ending examples of people with charmed lives, where everything is always neat, tidy and well behaved. I want to know that I am not the only one who just cleaned up an entire box of pancake mix from the living room floor, because the children thought it would be a good skating rink. I promise to share no more tales of how I managed to pull the roast out of the oven just in time to serve a perfect dinner to my husband's boss, wearing heels and pearls in my immaculate kitchen, while imparting sage words of wisdom to Wally and the Beav. (wait a minute...) Some people call it "keeping it real", others prefer the term "honest" - me, I get excited by alliteration, so I am going with Mere Mortal Monday. Where once a week, I can share a picture (either literally or verbally) of why my SuperMom cape must have gotten lost in the mail - and why I'm ok with that.

My train of thought began with new moms in mind, but I know I personally feel the same pressures and place the same expectations on my marriage, my Christian growth, artistic levels and pretty much every other facet of myself. Which makes me wonder if maybe you do too.

If you feel inspired to help me try to break this notion that perfection is a healthy goal and want to leave a comment, start your own blog series, send me an email, write a letter, hire a sky writer - I would love that! So stay tuned tomorrow for the introductory MERE MORTAL MONDAY!

Brought to you by your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man

2011-07-20T21:19:00.006-05:00

Miguel asked to go shopping tonight. The littles are in Moore for a few days, I needed a new iron, but most importantly, I was dying to know what he was in the market for. So off to Wal-Mart we went.

He wouldn't tell me what he was looking for, but kept repeating, "No, don't pay yet." each time I turned the cart towards the checkout stand. I'm fairly certain that he was stalling, as it was already past his bedtime, but it was nice and cool in the store. So we walked up and down every aisle.

And then we came upon the back-to-school aisle. As we peered down the entire row of neatly hanging backpacks, his hand shot into the air with an authoritative "stop." Hanging there on the end, as if illuminated by a spotlight from heaven, was a Spider-Man backpack. A faint glow in his eyes, and the question on his lips, "Can I?"

Oh boy.

I have a problem with "character" backpacks. I don't like them. At all. Give me a classic solid color, or maybe a floral print for a girl/plaid for a boy, and we'll call it a day. And so far I have succeeded. (Mateo's lion backpack is exempt from this rule, because it's so gosh-darn cute and cuddly) And not only was this backpack completely emblazoned with a character, it was a *tacky* character. A picture of Spider-Man literally covers the entire back pocket. As if the HUGE image is not enough of a statement, its manufacturer seemed to feel that what would reeeeally set the whole thing off was to use sparkly fabric! Yuck, blech, bordering on vile. Really, I can't convey how much I disliked this book bag.

He has never watched Spider-Man. There is no "wow, that Peter Parker is such a swell, responsible guy...", or even web envy. I have no idea what drew him to it. AND, he doesn't need a backpack. The one he has used for 2 years is still perfectly fine. It's nice and red, with white accents - a solid, upstanding bag. There was absolutely no reason to spend $10 for something we don't need, that is probably of questionable quality to begin with. So I began to push the cart away.

But as I looked at his finger pointing to Spidey, in all his glittery-ness, and listened to the beginning of a whine build up in his "I want that one, I want Spider-Man!", my flip-flops squeaked to a full-stop. I heard a normal 7 year old. Who was not above whining to get his way. Who wanted the Officially Licensed Merchandise of whichever superhero mass merchandisers are currently choosing to promote, because that's what little boys do.

Oh how I have prayed for him to get to be a regular boy, if only for fleeting moments.

Well this was a moment. My son wanted something that he didn't need, just because his friend at school has one - and I could have picked him up and kissed him. Into the cart it went. He promptly pulled the tags off as we rolled off into the sunset, new backpack in hand. And just for a moment, there was a sparkle about Miguel too. (But, in all fairness, that may have been a stray fleck of glitter from the bag...)

Oh, I still hate the backpack. But it's not about me.

And you know what?

We bought the matching lunchbox, too.

11 Good Things

2011-06-25T09:22:00.006-05:00

A few of my favorites from the week:

1. Father's Day presents

2. Miguel wanting to play "Duck, Duck, Goose" with us.

3. Mateo agreeing, but only if he could be a tiger. Perhaps the world's first game of "Duck, Duck, Goose, Tiger"....

4. $2.99 per yard white cotton, turned into fresh summer dresses for Cali and her 2 cousins. (Ok, the middle fabric was not $2.99 - but it was on sale!)

5. Cali going to VBS at her school this week, and coming home to sing "How Great Thou Art" every evening.

6. The ongoing de-pacifier-ing of Mateo. Ok, so this is not really one of my favorites from the week, but as I am supposed to "give thanks in all circumstances", I guess I can be thankful that he has stamina. And determination. Lots and lots of determination. Now, to only harness these skills for good and not for evil...

7. Taking the kids for donuts on Saturday morning with Papa.

8. Then asking them if they wanted to go to the Farmer's Market. I realized the error in my wording after Mateo excitedly proclaimed that YES he wanted ride the horse and sheep and cow and tractor and run in the barn!!!!

9. Watching the kids march across the plaza in a line, waving their long-stemmed sunflowers like palm branches.

10. Loot

11. Dad using the box of blackberries to make a yummy blackberry gallete!

The One With Floor Drains and St. Francis

2011-06-21T13:36:00.006-05:00

I feel like I spend a considerable amount of time on this blog chronicling the pop culture responses I receive to desperate prayers. So I'm not going to write about the day that I googled "autism prayer" after the 2nd episode of the day involving Miguel pouring an entire bottle of water onto his bedroom carpet and screaming like the Toy Story 3 monkey for a good portion of the afternoon.

(But as a side note, if you have ever wondered about my flooring choice should we ever decide to build a house, let's just say it would involve concrete floors with a drain in the center of every room...)

Instead, I want to remind myself about choices. It's a topic I have pondered before - here, in a subtle way here, and I as I revisit my blog archives, roundaboutly in virtually every "serious" post I have written. Since the morning in 2007 that I inscribed "Choose joy" on the cover of my Bible study book after an especially inspiring lesson during an especially difficult time, it has increasingly become the focus of my arm-chair theology.

I have neither the qualifications nor the wisdom to tackle serious theological issues. I am just a Mommy who is trying to make sense of the lessons I have learned. Although I have opinions, I can't eloquently explain why bad things happen to good people (but I definitely think that any such discussion must also include why good things happen to good people). For my own life, I find that focusing on why things happen is a monumental waste of time and energy. Instead, the best way for me to handle yucky stuff like autism, stress, sorrow and stacks of dirty dishes is to remind myself that God has given me a choice: to be overcome by the particular issue - or to grow from it. To turn the grief from Miguel's diagnosis into something positive. To reach out to someone first experiencing the seemingly endless pain of being told something is "wrong" with their precious child, and give them a ray of hope. To turn the pangs of my own self-doubt into something good, by sharing with others what I admire in them, that they are special.

It's not so much about being Pollyanna, (as I am more than capable of being a pessimistic cynic), but rather deciding with each challenge which path I am going to take. And sometimes really, really hard things happen in life. There most certainly must be time allowed to grieve, and I would never propose to know the time frame required for healing to occur in another human being. But for me, the idea that I may not have a choice in everything that happens to me, but I DO have a choice in how I respond is empowering.

In the light of reality, hindsight lets me see how I have matured as a result of each struggle. Would it be easier if everything was just sunshine and roses and Free Ice Cream Scoop every day? Well sure. But harnessing the pain, growth and wisdom wrought from past struggles into a blessing for another person is a pretty good thing too.

..............................

Just a little something I felt like recording. Every so often, I sit down and read back through the blog entries of years past. I often smile upon rediscovering something that I really needed to be reminded of. A foolproof way for me to send a note to my future self :-)

And, in case you have been unable to go about your normal life without knowing, here is the answer to my "autism prayer" search. The catalyst for this post, and a beautifully elegant update in conveying that we all have choices in how we react, respond and reshape.

A Prayer of St. Francis for Autism
by Tim Tucker at Both Hands and a Flashlight

Lord, let thy peace fill me up until I overflow;
that where people cannot speak, I may be their advocate;
that where anyone is rejected, I may extend my arms in welcome;
that where parents are heavy burdened, I may offer a word of comfort;
that where our children struggle, I may lift them up and cheer;
that where some see disability, I may reveal to them extraordinary gifts;
that where others judge, I may share with them my deep gladness;
and that where any are overlooked, I may help the lights of all to shine.

O Giver of These Gifts,
grant that I may not so much seek to be reassured as to reassure;
to be praised, as to praise;
to be accepted, as to accept;
for it is in all our uncertainty that we are inspired to hope;
it is in great challenges that we discover our greatest joys,
and it is in our community of wanderers that we find the way home.

Amen

Artwork

2011-06-04T17:39:00.007-05:00

As I was rushing to finish a painting a few weeks ago, Cali was watching intently. "Aren't you going to write your name on it?", she asked. I gave her a standard "no, not right now sweetheart" answer, and hurried on to the next item on my list. But the question has been rolling around in my mind ever since.

In reflection, it is a much more complicated answer than she would ever imagine. I haven't signed a piece of art in several years, and I hadn't realized why. I have no desire to introduce the notion of self-doubt or lack of confidence to my 4 year old daughter, but for someday, here is my response to her.

Dear Cali,

It is probably nothing more than a faded wisp of memory, but long ago you asked me a question. Why I hadn't signed my name to a piece of art I created. I don't know if you had grasped the concept that artists add their signatures to paintings, or if you were just remembering that I had told you to always write your name at the top of your schoolwork. Whichever the case, I wanted you to know.

I only sign my name to artwork that I am completely happy with, that I am proud to have created and that I feel adds beauty to the world. I don't consider myself a perfectionist, but for the past several years, nothing I have done has seemed "finished" or ready to be signed. I hope that the people who recieved them have been pleased. But nothing has made me unquestionably proud to have created it.

With 3 exceptions.

If there were a place to sign you and your two brothers, I would do so in a heartbeat. There is nothing in this world that gives me as much joy, fillls me with as much pride and infuses me with as much wonder. You are a beautiful, and so much more importantly, you have a beautiful spirit. I may struggle to get paintings "just right", but God's craftsmanship in you is first class, sweet girl.

You are my priceless works of art.

With love forever and ever,
Mommy

Anthem

2011-06-04T17:27:00.001-05:00

With less than 48 hours until Vacation Bible School begins, I find my spirits and energy level gauge hanging precariously close to E. I am overwhelmed and exhausted at the prospect of how much work must be done tomorrow, before the event even begins. Sluggish thoughts of "Why did I get myself into this???" are shamefully frequent.

On the way home this afternoon, I turned on the radio and pressed the seek button. I very rarely listen to anything other than audiobooks or the Sports Animal, and can't even name more than two local stations. But something inside me was crying out for music.

In the past, I have written about God's faithfulness in using music to send me messages at precisely the right moments in life - and today He put his DJ headphones on again. As the scanner settled on a station, this is the message that came blaring out to me "...I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself. Oh, I could choose not to move - but I refuse..." And in that instant, a peace and conviction that can only come from Him washed over me. I hurried home to Google the lyrics and artist, then fired up my iTunes account to purchase my anthem for the week.

I have been given the opportunity to be a part of planning and carrying out a week devoted to helping children within our church and community become excited about God's love for them, to understand that He has a plan for them. And over the months of painting, and creating, and collecting, and organizing I have forgotten what I have been blessed with. This is what I am called to be, right this moment, what I can do for Him today. I could give in to the weariness, to the overwhelming list left to do - but I refuse.

I Refuse

by Josh Wilson

Sometimes I

I just want to close my eyes

And act like everyone's alright

When I know they're not

This world needs God

But it's easier to stand and watch

I could say a prayer and just move on

Like nothing's wrong

But I refuse

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse

I can hear the least of these

Crying out so desperately

And I know we are the hands and feet

Of You, oh God

So, if You say move

It's time for me to follow through

And do what I was made to do

Show them who You are

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse

To stand and watch the weary and lost

Cry out for help

I refuse to turn my back

And try and act like all is well

I refuse to stay unchanged

To wait another day, to die to myself

I refuse to make one more excuse

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse

I refuse

(written by Benjamin Glover and Joshua David Wilson)

Go be the hands and feet of God today!

An Open Letter, for World Autism Awareness Day

2011-04-01T08:05:00.010-05:00

(Saturday April 2 is World Autism Awareness Day. Please wear blue to help shine a light on Autism!)

Awareness of autism has risen dramatically in the past few years, and awareness is certainly a good place to start. Increased awareness has helped parents get earlier diagnoses for their children, and it has helped secure funding for research. However, it hasn’t done much to change public perception of what autism really is.

This is a call out to the world to understand the people and the disorder.

This is a call out to the world to accept the people and the disorder.

The media has focused almost entirely on children with autism – but children grow up. In a society where one in 110 children is diagnosed with autism (the latest figures from the Centers for Disease Control), no one can afford to ignore the significance of this disability. People with autism are children, teenagers, adults, men, women, scientists, programmers, engineers, unemployed, in care homes … too many of them continue to be bullied, to be judged, or to just be ignored.

They say “if you’ve met one person with Autism.....you’ve met one person with Autism.” After the general diagnostic checklists, there is no standard with Autism. Each person is unique. Each person has their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses just like you or I. My son is not quite like the other boys in his class, or your friend’s son who has Autism, or Rain Man, or any other person with Autism. He is a challenge, he is handsome, he is kind, he loves his family, he is no more special than any other child on this planet - and certainly no less.

This is what Autism is to me.

It is a boy who looks like any other 7 year old you will meet. But sounds different. And thinks different, behaves different, and IS different. He obsesses about words, and repeats them, often times ad nauseam. He likes things that are predictable. If you ask him questions that he has practiced, he will often answer. But if your words are not part of his routine, he may not understand what you are saying to him, and choose to ignore you.

He struggles to deal with his emotions. It breaks my heart a little each time I watch his brown eyes begin to fill with tears when plans change, or he can not have what he has asked for, and he does not understand why. There is no comfort for him. He is not being manipulative, or a brat, or bad - he simply does not have the internal mechanisms to cope. Things that seem trivial can cause a disproportionate reaction. He processes the world in a different way than you or I. What to us looks like pacing, or touching every surface to feel its texture, or repeating the same sounds over and over is a calming device to him. I do not understand it, but it is no less real, no less valid.

He is interested in people, and at times *wants* to interact with other kids. He just doesn’t know how, and often drives peers away with his quirks and repetitive habits. My heart longs for the simple gift of a friend for my child.

He is not completely potty trained, has a very short list of foods that he will eat, just started sleeping through the night 3 weeks ago, has very poor fine motor skills, and is loved. As a parent of a child with Autism, I want no pity. I smile when people say “I don’t know how you do it!” I do it because he is my son, the same way other people go to their child’s soccer games, piano recitals and spelling bees, stick with them through the highs and lows, and beam with pride at their existence - because they love their children.

I have no idea what his future holds. And that frightens me. Not the fact that he may be living with us for the rest of his life, that I have accepted. But the notion that I will not always be with him to explain and guide and protect - that he may some day be thrust into a world that is not prepared to accept him for who he is, is terrifying.

I see a world where people may know the word “Autism”, but have no concept of what Autism is. Where I listen to people mutter “What a horrible child!” as we walk past, or say to their girlfriend “Uhhhh, are you sure you still want to have kids...” after standing behind us in the checkout line. A place where MANY people still believe that the cause of my son’s “bad behavior” is simply that I am a bad parent. I try to hold my head up and ignore when people at church/stores/restaurants turn and stare, often times with “the look”. But there have been times that we do not go out in public for weeks at a time, because I don’t want to suffer the pain of a stranger’s cruelty, of their ignorance.

But I have hope. Hope that parents will begin to be intentional to teach their children to be kind. That they will help them understand that every person is different, and that is ok! That even if there is a kid that paces back and forth with an odd laugh, while twirling a plastic necklace for hours at a time - rather than get in the child’s face and yelling “Hey, why are you so weird?”, they will be tolerant. That families will sit down and talk about the reality that some people use a wheelchair, some people have artificial limbs, some flap their hands and make noises - and there is no need to be scared or mean or hateful. That there is a place for all of us.

This is my hope, that there is a place in this world for my son.

And on that day when we can all just be kind to every person we meet, simply accept the wondrous differences in each person - there will be no need for World Autism Awareness Day.

Savor.

2011-01-13T12:50:00.001-06:00

I love the idea of savoring life. To take one moment and completely ignore the rest of the frenetic world, and be completely absorbed in one moment. I don't always do it - but I WANT to. Just as I sit and enjoy every aspect of a warm piece of chocolate cake, so to do I want to enjoy every aspect of this stage in my life. Ok, *almost* every moment. The entire-box-of-frosted-mini-wheats-dumped-on-the-living-room-rug, I can do without...

The things I am savoring today:

- the way Mateo nods his head "yes" - with his whole body.

- holding Cali's hand as we walk through Hobby Lobby on a "Just the Girls" trip. And how she delights in all of the "(gasp) beautiful!" things.

- Miguel's 3 (and counting...) green circles in a row.

- how Cali and Mateo are best friends right now. I don't know how long it will last, but for every day that they delight in each other, my heart smiles.

- that they love to play "pretty princess". And that each time Mateo runs out of the room, he comes to find me and yells, "is pretty??? Is pretty???"

- the way the kids cross their feet when they sit on their knees.

- that Mateo has decided "ask nicely" means to whisper "want ____ pweese"

- listening to Cali play with her dolls, how "they" interact with each other, and her.

- and this.

To-Do List

2011-01-03T09:17:00.004-06:00

My sweet friend LB over at The Marriage of an Undomestic has embarked on an adventure she calls "25 for 25". Twenty-five things she would like to do before her 25th birthday. I think it is a fabulous idea! Unfortunately I have considerably less spunk than she does, so 11 is about as far as I can go. Without further ado:

Chrissa's Super-Official 11 Things To Do in 2011 List

1. Visit the lavender fields at Lavender Hill Farm.

2. Learn to put a book down. I started to make this "read more", but that would be inaccurate. I read a LOT. But as I have the inability to "push pause" in the middle of a new book, and will literally stay up all night to finish it, I generally stick to books I have already read. I would like to start reading only a few chapters at a time, and branch into a whole new world of literature.

3. Paint name banners for my own children. It's a classic case of "the shoemaker's children" around here...

4. Learn the Lord's Prayer in Spanish

5. Clean the dried chocolate ice cream off the ceiling of my car.

6. Write at least 3 times a week.

7. Do the 5k at the Autism Run in May. Please note that this does NOT say "run the whole time". Let's be realistic... ;-)

8. Have 1 vegetarian day per week.

9. Learn how to bake a (good) loaf of French bread.

10. Have a picnic at Woodward Park.

11. Be intentional. As a mother, as a wife, as a friend, as a follower of Christ. (more on this to come).

Paraphrase

2010-12-13T08:30:00.006-06:00

I think it is fairly obvious to those around me that I am struggling with my firstborn. I do have faith that God will give me the strength to continue this journey with him - my prayers for patience have certainly provided me with opportunities to practice patience. But the rope is getting very short.

Through a glitch in the system, Miguel didn't have a Special Angel to sit with at church yesterday. So I stayed with him. On the 2nd row. (As Coach used to say, "In front of God and everybody.") I had enough sense of humor left to know that this could be entertaining...

During prayer time, I took him with me to kneel at the altar, fervently praying for guidance in how to help this child. For the peace and patience to be what he needs. There was more than a touch of Grace to be found in peeking down to see him (fairly) quietly kneeling beside me, hands clasped together, bathed in the glow of stained glass light.

Isn't it amazing when the sermon feels like it is given just for you? When Pastor Brad started by talking about things in life that are not as we had dreamed they would be, I had to stifle the urge to let a "Preach it, Brother!" fly. I love how the Holy Spirit moves, with such a fluid wisdom about giving us what we need. There is a good chance that what I heard and remember was not quite the whole story. I might have missed a point or two in the midst of responding to the frequent "It's a little bit like the Sound of Music" and "That's Israel's mom" 's but here is what I took away from the message. And, consequently, what I NEEDED to hear:

You don't always get what you want in life. Surprises happen, upheaval occurs and change is ever present. Chances are, as a child, Mary did not dream of giving birth in a barn, much less to the Son of God. Imagine how different the world would be if her life had gone according to plan! Our mission is to find the joy in the midst of these circumstances. To trust that within the unexpected lies a gift. As Elizabeth said "Blessed is she who has believed that the LORD would fulfill his promises to her!" (Luke 1:45)

As always, the end of the sermon was a short prayer. And that, my friends, is the moment Miguel decided to stand up and do The Chicken Dance.

If ever there was a paraphrase of a point, that dance was it. Living, breathing, tail-feather-shaking proof that life seldom turns out the way we presume it should. But that in the midst of autism, there is still joy. And that like a Wise Man seeking the Star, my task is to always be on the lookout for those little moments that shine.

Better late than never...

2010-11-12T07:47:00.002-06:00

Here they are in all their costumed glory. I had intended to take these three characters Trick or Treating - but instead wound up in the company of SuperGrouch, a Bad-tempered Bunny and a very grumpy football player. I have never seen such persnickety children on a holiday that involves saying only 5 words - to receive massive amounts of sugar. This was at our Church's Trunk or Treat the week before Halloween, and in the rush to get there in time, I forgot Superman's cape, and the paint for the Bunny's nose/whiskers. There costumes were complete on Halloween, but as I have tried to permanently block that experience from my memory, no pictures exist...

Why I Had a PERFECT Weekend

2010-10-19T11:18:00.013-05:00

From Friday morning to Monday night, I spent my time:

- Going over 72 hours without answering such burning questions as "Why is our car white?", "Did God make these purple princess shoes? Why not?", and "When is it time for lunch? ...Is it time now? ...is it time now???"

- Finding the stones to make the necklace I have wanted for over a year - at 90% off.

- Enjoying warm Pumpkin Struesel Muffins and a steaming mug of Pumpkin Spice Latte.

- Savoring girl talk, comfortable silences and lots of laughter with Forever Friends. (and missing you A.G.S!)

- Sitting on the deck to read a book, while watching the sun come up over the mountains.

- Having time to get reacquainted with the part of me that is titled neither "Mommy", "Wife" nor "Cage Match Referee" - but simply "ME".

- Watching a Chick Flick (which I rarely do), complete with popcorn (which I NEVER do).

- Marveling at the wonders of God's imagination through His creation.

- Shopping with no agenda, no timetable and consequently, no whining.

Oh, and this:

and this...
and a few of these...

7 Little Rainbows (and 2 not-so little)

2010-10-13T19:40:00.011-05:00

The 6 years since this child entered our lives have been quite a journey. I have shared many of the tears - but today is filled with only triumphs. The first 9 weeks of the school year have been packed with incredible growth. Some of the things that I have been waiting so long for are finally happening. Some of the things that I hadn't dared to hope for are starting to happen. We still have many, many challenges. But these

successes are like rainbows arcing over them, reminding me to never stop hoping for this child.

1. He rode a pony. He was scared, and looked like he was going to fall off the whole time. But it was something that he was determined to do - and he did it.

2. He colors! Before school started this year, I had never seen Miguel do more than a 4 second scribble. Now, I have stacks of papers that he has colored. They aren't Michaelangelo quality, by any stretch, but to see him do it is incredible. And I can't bring myself to throw them away. So, if you come to my house in the near future, be prepared to dodge the mountains of coloring sheets....

3. He can ride a bike. We have spent more than 2 years trying to teach him how to do the all-American boy activity, with no success. This weekend, Papa devoted time to helping Miguel figure it out - and now all he wants to do is ride his bike! (working on getting the video uploaded)

4. He broke a board in P.E. for the karate unit.

and

5. He can sing "Oklahoma" , with the hand motions.

To know that Miguel participates to some extent in art/music/PE feels amazing. I think one of the longings of many special needs parents is to have just a little normalcy for their child. So for him to be just a regular 1st grader for part of the day is pretty cool.

6. He chooses to go to "big church" (worship). His Special Angel sits with him so that I can sing in the choir, and he sits quietly the whole time. I have missed more than a few notes while singing, as I look out into the congregation and see my boy clapping with the music.

7. He was the Shining Star for his class last month. Here is the picture that was on the bulletin board at the front of the school for the month of September:

8. He can write. It isn't pretty, it isn't neat, and it isn't perfect - but he can do it. Two years ago, he could barely hold a crayon. So however messy it is, I beam with joy every time I see him write his name. Every Wednesday morning, when we sit on the front step to do his writing homework while waiting for the bus, I marvel at the progress he has made.

9. He can read.

10. He can READ.

11. HE CAN READ!!! I confess: two years ago, I never thought this time would come. Entrenched in the mire of constant echolalia, aggression and endless repetitive behavior, it seemed too much to dare to dream of him ever learning to read. But he has grown. And he has wonderful teachers. And he can READ almost all of the Kindergarten sight words. Pure joy.

I have no idea what the future holds for Miguel. But this first quarter of the school year has shown me to never place assumptive limitations on my boy. To keep learning with him, praying over him and hoping for him. And to always keep an eye on the horizon - because you never know when a rainbow is coming.

Haiku

2010-09-01T15:12:00.003-05:00

sweet swells of silence

fill my ears like ocean waves -

the first day of school.

Choices

2010-08-24T08:31:00.004-05:00

I should have known better. The kids were restless, I was tired, and it was a crowded event. And Mateo. Mateo is struggling to find his place, how to interact and how to get attention. Already feeling alone and out of place, as I tried to escape the church dinner with 3 increasingly grouchy children, things happened in rapid succession. Trying to balance a handful of plates while scanning for a trash can, monitor the kids (who had scattered like marbles dropped from a sack), carry a diaper bag and purse, I turned my head in time to see Mateo push a little boy. Before I could reach him, the boy's mother had swooped in to get in Mateo's face and start yelling at him. Humiliated, I mumbled an "I'm sorry" in her direction, grabbed Mateo's hand, and tried to make it out of the gym before the tears started falling off of my face.

But believe it or not, that is not the focus of my musings.

I am who I am, and not surprisingly was very shaken by the incident. After hours of crying, not much sleep and feelings of failure for not being able to break through to this child yet, a thought occurred to me. I have a choice.

The raw emotion of the incident caused me to forget the 30 seconds before Mateo pushed, and why my attention had been momentarily shifted. After seeing me struggle with the plates, an older lady came forward to take the plates from me, with a kind "Let me help you". A small gesture for her, but a big moment for me.

And herein lies my choice. I can either dwell on the hurt/embarrassment/frustration or focus on the help/kindness/grace. I can let my feelings of pain fester until I no longer want to be involved, or I can move forward. There are mean people out there. There always have been, and there always will be. But there are also gentle people. And while I was crying into the dishwater that evening as I cleaned, there were also three small children. The oldest, who repeatedly came to hug me, while murmuring "awww, it's ok Mommy." The middle, who sat at the table to make me a card covered in hearts surrounding the word "mommy", and presented it to me with a quiet, "I made this so that you would feel happy again". And the baby, who started it all. Who screams, and pushes, and cries. Who with his arms around my neck, and head on my shoulder is a tangible, solid reminder of love.

God's grace is everywhere. Even in the midst of breakdowns and tears, He sends me gentle reassurances of love. And it is my choice to see them.

Emotion

2010-08-19T08:54:00.004-05:00

A few of the many emotions involved in the words "First Day of School". Not just for my young scholar, but for me as well.

Anticipation. Sadness. Hope.

Excitement. Anxiety. Acceptance.

Nostalgia. Pride. Love.

(semi)Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-23T07:36:00.006-05:00

Because let's face it, "wordless" is not really my strength. Here are some glimpses into what we have been up to for the past few days. (Pictures of the kids *literally* bouncing off the walls not included...)

I think there is a thinly veiled metaphor here, about my (not so) baby girl standing next to these sunflowers that literally grow taller by the day...

So, the de-pacifier-ing is going *really* well....

Miguel wrote this all by himself!

I got these cowboy shirts for the boys about 5 months ago, with very few hopes of Miguel ever wearing his. So, of course, on the day when he went to his closet and picked it out, I HAD to run and put Mateo's shirt on, too. And I tried ALL DAY to get a picture of them together. Finally, at the end of the day (and with the help of Nemo!) I was able to snap several photos of my boys.

What Are the Chances?

2010-06-15T21:16:00.003-05:00

What are the chances....

...that when I put my contact lens in this morning, it would literally fall out of my eye - *straight* down the drain?

...that Miguel is actually part shark, and will grow multiple rows of teeth? His second new tooth is already all the way in - *behind* the baby tooth. He won't wiggle it, and won't let me touch it. Wondering if I need to take him to a dentist to pull it? (that would go over *great*, I'm sure...)

...that I would give birth to such a girly girl? Her declaration today, "Mommy, I NEED to wear something sparkly today." Most of us can subsist on food, water and air - this child also has a recommended daily allowance of pink, glitter and glitz.

...that the days when I (figuratively) stick my fingers in my ears, yelling "lalalalala" to God, refusing to listen to His guidance, assurances and peace - are the days that are seemingly endless, and when they do end, it is in frustration, yells and tears?

I'd say "pretty high" to all of the above.

Why My Blog Harbors a Burning Resentment of Facebook

2010-06-11T19:26:00.006-05:00

I stand before you today to admit with no shame: I love Facebook. I don't really *want* to, but I do. The reasons are three-fold.

I am a people watcher. I am a ~~personality figure-outer-er~~ ~~sociology enthusiast~~ nosy. I am sincerely interested in what people have to say, and since not all of the people I know keep blogs (and heaven forbid I pick up a telephone...) (shudder), Facebook is an efficient way to keep tabs on lots of the folks I care about.
In our instant gratification society, it gives me a quick outlet for creativity. (Assuming, I suppose, that things such as my gleeful announcement that "I just found the undisputed world's record largest peach slice in my ice cream!!!" can be considered "creative"...) When I write a blog entry, I generally try to compose something that is cohesive, and fairly unlikely to cause past English teachers to bury their faces in shame. Facebook is a free-for-all of my random musings, quick, to the point and easy to fit in between episodes of searching for lost shoes/pacifiers/security necklaces and mopping up the 4th yogurt explosion of the day. I can't tell you how many blog entries are written in my head, but are long gone by the time I can curl up on the sofa to type after children #s 1-3 are finally in bed.
It's a great place to be slightly silly. I may or may not have a sense of humor that tilts towards sarcasm, which is quite often lost on the "Under 7" demographic. As funny as I find Cali's jokes of "Knock, knock. Who's there? Cali. Cali who? Cali orange!!!", having a site to let out a few of my own nutty ponderings, to an audience who will chuckle with me is a good thing. While I might hesitate to post this discussion here:

Staring at the little container of guacamole cream leftover from Abuelo's, and wondering on a scale of 1-10, how bad of a person it would make me to sit down and eat it with a spoon. And how much lower the fact that while I ponder this, my children are lined up on the sofa in their swimsuits, eating 4th of July marshmallows out of the bag brings my score....

On Facebook? Anything goes. And I like that.

There are a few nasty side-effects, though. The most obvious is that the blog is neglected. It's just easier to do everything at once. Facebook is the Wal-mart of virtual social interaction. It may not be the classiest place to visit, but you can one-stop-shop. Catch up on people from around the country, interact with a few grown-ups, and indulge my dry sense of humor. My main objective of this blog is to keep a record of our families growth. More and more, the "charming" little quotes from the children, milestones and joys are showing up in a two sentence answer to the question "What's on your mind?" on Facebook.

So, dear blog, I apologize for not always giving you the attention you deserve. You will always be the official record keeper of this family. The one I print out (when I finally get around to buying new ink for the printer, of course) and add to the memory box. And just because I am an admitted Facebook addict, doesn't mean I love you any less. Can we still be friends?

Random Picture Tuesday

2010-06-08T07:23:00.004-05:00

Mateo the Dancin' Machine, doing a little early morning salsa dancing. This child loves to dance. He does *not* like to sung to, however. On a side note, Cali assures me that he grew last night, and is now much bigger.

After Miguel woke up (at 6am) one day last week, I heard him in the kitchen spelling J - U - N - E. It wasn't until later in the day, that I realized he had been writing the month on the kitchen chalkboard! It is usually akin to brushing a crocodiles teeth to get him to write at home, so it's very exciting to see him *choose* to do it!

The birthday girl on her new birthday bike. She is determined that we ride to the neighborhood park. Only one problem. She hasn't mastered the art of *stopping* yet...

Birthday Notes

2010-06-07T07:15:00.004-05:00

Dear God,

I know that there is nothing I could have possibly done to deserve the joy of a daughter. It is grace and grace alone. In her, You have shared with me with love, and laughter, lessons about life and lessons about me.

Abundantly blessed,

Yours

Dear cotton candy cupcakes,

After 3 months of anticipation, thankyouthankyouthankyou for still turning out great, even though the oven got bumped to 250, and you took about 30 minutes to bake.

Not quite Martha yet,

Dear Papa,

You deserve multiple awards for taking 2 children to the zoo all Saturday morning, and THREE children to the aquarium, splash park and sno-cone shack so that I could make the birthday girl's carnival a reality. Thank you doesn't seem to cover it!

Your trophy is in the mail,

Daughter

Dear Cali,

It is hardly fathomable that 4 years ago, I was cradling a tiny brown-eyed girl in my arms, on your first day of life. (ok, not so tiny...) Your inquisitiveness, your delight in the simplest things, your laughter and your sparling beauty are a gift to me, and pure joy. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little brown-eyed girl - happy birthday!

So happy to be,

Mommy

How To Cook Dinner on a Normal Tuesday

2010-06-02T07:12:00.008-05:00

5:40 Decide that going for the World Record in "Consecutive Days Kitchen Has Taken a Break" is not an admirable goal

5:41 Open fridge, and stare into it

5:45 Finally decide on a Mediterranean route, and take salmon out of the freezer

5:46 Put in a pan of warm water, and hope that it thaws quickly

5:48 Add garlic, oregano, salt, pepper, thyme and olive oil to small bowl to make seasoning for fish

5:50 Remove youngest child from the top of kitchen table

5:51 Thank middle child for trying to stir fish seasoning

5:52 Add more garlic, oregano, salt, pepper, thyme and olive oil to small bowl to make second batch of seasoning for fish

5:54 Put pot of water for pasta on stove

5:55 Go outside to turn on grill

5:56 Realize that birds are using bits of mulch to attempt to make a nest on the grate of the grill

5:57 Shake fist in general direction of birds roosting in the "forest"

5:58 Go inside to get camera

5:59 Take picture of birds nest

6:00 Remove nest, hose off grates, return to grill to dry

6:05 Thank oldest child for trying to clean grates with hose

6:06 Go inside to dry shoes/pants/left ear

6:08 Put salmon on the grill

6:09 At middle child's request, go to her vegetable garden to visit tomato plant

6:10 Adequately admire the tiny red tomato

6:12 Given the local rabbit's propensity for eating ripe vegetables, decide middle child should pick tomato before it disappears

6:13 Go back inside to get camera

6:14 Take picture of chief farmer and assistant(s)

6:15 Take picture of chief farmer's very first piece of home-grown produce

6:16 Wash tomato

6:17 Enjoy seeing middle child eat her feast

6:18 Go inside to get fish turner, realize that water on stove has been boiling for 10 minutes, and kitchen is now roughly as humid as a Brazilian rain forest. Add pasta.

6:19 Turn salmon

6:21 Remove fairly well done fish from grill

6:22 Begin looking for colander to drain pasta

6:25 While muttering to self about where colander could possibly be, use pot lid to drain pasta

6:26 Fall over in shock as oldest child asks to eat dinner

6:27 Manage to find 3 clean plastic plates to feed 3 assistants

6:28 Send them outside to eat

6:29 Manage to put fish, pasta and salad on a plate for self

6:30 Walk through the back door, and realize it was a good idea to eat outside, as the patio floor is littered with bits of fish, smushed spaghetti noodles, and marshmallows (don't ask)

6:31 Praise oldest child who is eagerly eating salmon (and his first home-cooked meal in several years)

6:33 Hose down patio

6:35 Thank oldest child for attempting to help clean the grill with hose

6:36 Pour water off of plate

6:37 Eat

6:41 Turn to admire children who have enjoyed their home-cooked dinner, and realize that they are covered in fish, pasta, paint, mud, and dried bits of sticky marshmallow (which has now collected dirt) (not only dirt, but slightly pink/green/yellow hued dirt from the multi-color marshmallows)

6:42 Sigh

6:45 Take stack of plates, forks, cups inside, and survey wreckage from meal prep

6:48 Find folder of takeout menus for tomorrow's dinner.

All In Favor

2010-05-31T14:13:00.001-05:00

Mommy: "Hey guys, would you like to go to the Splash Park?"

Miguel: "Hip hip hooray!!!"

Steps

2010-05-28T08:15:00.000-05:00

The year is not even half over yet, but the end of May always puts me in a retrospective mood. As the mom of a school age kiddo, the last day of school has me singing Auld Lang Syne to celebrate a year of development and growth. Miguel has made impressive strides in several areas this year.

A snapshot of his Kindergarten year:

- earned a certificate for being "Mr. Monopoly", and being an expert on money. He is great at naming the people on each coin, and their value.

- has become a spelling fanatic. Loves to spell words, and is starting to develop an understanding of phonics, and how sounds make words. He will try to sound out words, not very accurately yet, but has a keen interest in them.

- talks about "making new friends", and discusses the kids in his class at home. He still doesn't really grasp the concept of being friends with his peers, but he has the desire to be around them, and I think the desire to HAVE friends. This is a giant step forward, and hopefully one we can build on in the months and years to come. He told me just this morning that he would like to sing in the Kid's Choir. We will see if this is a passing fancy, or if he really is interested in joining in the fall. I can't put into words how exciting that would be for me.

- can (technically) write his name, but it needs a lot of work. He often will write the letters all on top of each other. I am thrilled that he has progressed to writing, as 9 months ago he had no interest in even trying. However, his fine motor skills are extremely week, and hold him back on moving forward. His teacher told me that his fine motor (or lack thereof...) is mainly what is keeping him from being in a general ed. classroom, at least part of the day. Hopefully, this summer and fall will see him continue to improve, so he can inch closer to being in a class with his neuro-typical peers.

- took swimming lessons. The first few were not very productive, but in the middle of his session, he started making great progress. He was able to swim across the pool on his own for two lessons but then regressed. Yesterday was his last lesson. It was a shaky start, but by the end he was doing fairly well. Still nowhere close to being a safe swimmer, but hopefully we can build on this. He loves to talk about his swimming teacher, who was a very sweet lady. We will miss her!

- had his 6 year checkup (3 months late...) He is in the 95% for height and the 65% for weight, which surprised me, as he looks so thin. I guess kids are supposed to be skinny-minnies :-) The nurse tested his eyes, and said his vision is 20/40. I am a little skeptical, as she used the eye chart with symbols, and I don't think he knew what all of the pictures were supposed to be. He might have gotten a better score with the letters... We are going to try some new things this summer, with the hopes of helping our sweet boy achieve his full potential!

Buddies

2010-05-20T10:15:00.001-05:00

Snapshots From the Zoo

2010-05-17T08:44:00.014-05:00

Driving a truck at the playground, a very serious zoo-goer, observing the sights with quiet interest. an expert "Toot-Toot"er while riding the train. especially likes the penguins. does NOT like to have dirty hands. rides the merry-go-round with concentration, occasionally cracking a slight smile

Monkeying around at the zoo (couldn't resist...) loves to go to the Elephant House. would ride the train all day if I let him. after 3 years, is finally more interested in the animals than the playground. could replace the sign at the zoo which announces the whereabouts of the Sea Lions, as he announced at least 20 times (loudly) "The Sea Lions are at Oklahoma City Zoo." to passersby

Teetertottering on a cloudy day. watched an elephant paint a picture! my buddy to jump over cracks in the sidewalk. thanks to Diego, can identify random, obscure animals ("Is that a Red Eyed Tree Frog?", "Let's go find a Spectacled Bear!") qift-shop-lover-extaordinairequite often a victim of the "whineies" ("My legs are tired", "Carry me please!", "It's cccooooollldddd", "I'm thirsty/hungry/tired") but MIRACULOSLY recovers when a ride on the carousel is mentioned....

2010-05-17T08:39:00.002-05:00

So far, the garden has managed to survive the storms, bunnies and *brothers* - looking good!

Week 7

2010-05-05T19:01:00.005-05:00

Here is a link to my choir concert from Sunday. It was an evening of spirituals - beautiful music, and such a fun group to be a part of! I am by no means a talented singer, but I don't think God cares, as long as it is a joyful noise made for His honor.

The choir I sing in is in parts 2, 4 and 5 of the video- but the other parts of the concert are great too :-) Feel free to take a listen!

http://faithtulsa.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=33542&PID=363360

Growing

2010-04-23T19:29:00.006-05:00

Cali has been planning her garden for the past 6 months. A few weeks ago, we finally made it a reality! Bedecked in full Princess regalia, she planted carrots, lettuce, sunflowers, basil. With the addition of a tomato plant, she has quite a little garden growing! Everything has sprouted, and is growing happily. I delight in her excitement, as each morning we walk out to check the plants growth. And I cross my fingers that enough will survive for her to taste the fruits (and vegetables!) of her labor.

Week 1

Week 3

The One Where I Get To Be the Tooth Fairy

2010-03-22T19:27:00.000-05:00

Miguel's gift for the Tooth Fairy is in that little pocket. He woke up this morning wiggling the tooth pretty aggressively - and about 3 minutes later, he asked me to put it back in. And then he went to get a band aid for it (the super-mega-jumbo size that fit skinned knees...). I convinced him to use a slightly smaller one, which satisfied his need.

As anyone who has spent 5 minutes with Miguel knows, getting a good photo of him is like, well...pulling teeth. So, this is the best "Happy 1st Lost Tooth Day" picture I could get. The new tooth has already come in behind the baby tooth, so it is not the classic gap-toothed grin I had hoped for. (And, let's all cross our fingers that it moves forward, or else the Tooth Fairy might be setting up a direct deposit account with a local Orthodontist) But, I had fun making his Tooth Pillow, and am looking forward to taking him to the Dollar Store tomorrow to spend his dollar bill.

Being a parent puts a new perspective on many things, especially the magical moments of childhood. To be honest, Miguel could care less about the Tooth Fairy. But it is special for me, and I know that it is special for Cali. (I have counted three times today that she has said wistfully, "I wish I had a loose tooth...") There is a joy in celebrating these moments in life. And I think that, at least for a day, the Tooth Fairy's magic dust can brighten even the stressfulness of everyday life.

Back to life, back to reality...

2010-03-18T17:13:00.004-05:00

Just a few things. (My writing ability is still on vacation.)

- It's nice to be home. It's nice to have #2 and #3 home (#1 comes back tomorrow).

Still amazed at the speed in which 2 small children can completely destroy a clean room.

- Here is the link to the Bed & Breakfast we stayed at in Eureka Springs. I highly recommend both the town and the inn for a quick "escape".

http://www.mountvictoria.com/

- ToothWatch 2010 is still in full swing. I'll be sure to update after the Tooth Fairy makes her appearance to Miguel.

Quiet

2010-03-16T17:57:00.002-05:00

This is what I am looking at right this moment.

And all I hear is the sound of my thoughts.

Had a fabulous breakfast.

Had a fabulous massage.

Took a nap.

Enjoyed the simply gorgeous scenery.

Missing my babies.

Knowing that it's a good thing to have a chance to miss them a bit.

Walked hand in hand with my beloved on a mountain road.

Will go to bed early.

And get out of bed late -

then go home feeling rested, relaxed, and ready to go.

(until the next installment of "pour the whole box of spaghetti on the floor, then dance on it so you feel like you're tap dancing" airs at my house, of course.)

Overheard

2010-03-12T17:13:00.003-06:00

"It's like the bottom of the ocean!!!"

- Miguel, to his swimming teacher (after jumping off the diving board, and sinking like a rock - he likes to sit on the bottom...)

"Oh Mommy, you don't always get what you want in life."

- Cali (after hearing me hypothetically ask, "Why can't this floor stay clean for more than 5 seconds???)

"yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyuck."

- Mateo

Advice

2010-03-11T09:57:00.005-06:00

What do you do when your rowdy crew asks to exercise

while you are trying to cook dinner?

Run, don't walk, to the t.v., pop in a DVD -

and start looking for the camera...

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-10T17:43:00.006-06:00

(yes, that is Denise Austin yoga on the t.v.) (no, I did not stage this picture)

(image courtesy ThePioneerWoman.com)

Tooth-Fairy-In-Waiting

2010-03-09T19:00:00.003-06:00

Miguel has a loose tooth. His first loose tooth. Which means my first (of many) forays into the world of gap-toothed smiles is fast approaching. And it is not without some degree of anxiety.

I knew that this process would be traumatic for Miguel. On the first day that I noticed his tooth was loose, I tried to explain to him what would happen.

Much wailing and gnashing of teeth ensued.

"No, Mama, have to put it back. Go to LittleWalmart and buy a new one!!!"

And it hasn't even come out yet....

In the meantime, Little Sister Cali is QUITE excited about the impending visit from the Tooth Fairy. She was delighted to inform Miguel that the T.F. would bring him a golden penny! She has already planned out, in detail, what will happen when it is her turn to loose a tooth. Everything is a production with this child, so it will be interesting to see how the event evolves over the next couple of years.

As for Miguel, we are just waiting. A part, ok - a large part, of me hopes that he looses the tooth at school, so that his teachers can handle any meltdown that might occur. But a still larger part of me wants to be there to comfort my boy, who after having his nails trimmed, begs me to put them back on. There is always the chance that when the time actually comes, he will barely notice. Here's hoping.

For now, I will practice my best sparkly, wand-waving, wing-flapping, glitter-dropping, Tooth Fairy-esque moves. And swallow down the lump in my throat, that despite my best efforts, time keeps passing, and my little darlins keep growing...

The Birthday Boy

2010-02-27T14:50:00.006-06:00

2010-02-06T07:34:00.002-06:00

I woke up early this morning, to have some quiet time to work on projects before a herd of children starts galloping through the house. As I sat in the darkened house, praying, listening to the blessed quiet, my mind kept being drawn to troubles. Some for me, some for a new baby fighting for his life, most to go un-named. And I felt drawn to read through a blog I kept as we were beginning to settle into version 2.0 of our lives (I think we are on at least 8.0 by now...) Ah, the comfort-joy-peace-insight-limitless-love that abounds when we follow where we are being drawn. Words that I needed to hear on July 23, 2007 - and words that I needed to hear on February 6, 2010.

God Listens to 60's Music

7.27.07

Valleys and mountain peaks. A roller coaster. Sunshine and rain. These are things that the all-knowing "they" say about life. There is truth there. I know that this adventure of life was not destined to be easy, I was not promised a journey without struggle. And the past week has been just that. Self-doubt and sadness and frustration have eaten at my weary heart.

And like the rainbow after a storm, like the smile of child after a tantrum, God spoke to me. Today He chose my dear friend Emily (may God bless you, because you are surely a blessing to me). Earlier in the summer He used the Beatles, today it was Simon and Garfunkle. (He really seems to have a taste for the golden oldies...)

Awash in my worries of inadequacy and aloneness, I clicked on Miss Em-lee's blog. And these are the words that spoke to me, these are the words that God spoke to me -

Bridge Over Troubled Water

When you're weary, feeling small, when tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all.
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough and friends just can't be found,
like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.

When you're down and out, when you're on the street,
when evening falls so hard, I'll comfort you.
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes and pain is all around,
like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine, oh and when you need a friend, I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind.

What a comfort He is. It makes me wonder why I fight Him so much, why I can't just release my worries, release my fears. "Your time has come to shine" oh yes, dear friends. It is time to shine. Help me, and I will help you. And the Bridge over sadness and pain and torment will help us all.

So in my quest for peace, for comfort, I share these words with you. Maybe He is singing them to you, too.

Practice

2010-01-28T18:41:00.006-06:00

A snapshot from this afternoon:

Cali: (holding her baby doll tightly wrapped in a blanket, and carrying a bag as big as she is) "Look, I'm a Mommy! I'm practicing my mom stuff, so when I'm a grown-up, I'll be good at it!"

I ran to the computer to record that little moment, so I would always remember her words. But as I went back to work on my painting, I reflected on what I had heard. This is yet another example of me needing to listen to the Wisdom of a Three Year Old. Darling girl, how did you get to be so wise?

Why is that we, as parents, are so hard on ourselves? While there definitely is such a thing as "mom-tuition", that natural instinct of what is good for our children, there is just as much trial and error involved. Yet somehow, we expect ourselves to know just what to do, and just what to say - for every imaginable instance. I would never expect myself to perform in front of a large group of people without lots of dedicated practice. But when the devious minds of my little helpers are working overtime to plot new capers, I feel like somewhat of a failure if I don't handle the disaster du jour with ease the first time.

If my 3-going-on-13 year old realizes that being a Mommy takes work, I think that is my cue to cut myself some slack, and keep practicing and practicing. It may not lead to perfection, but I will keep trying. And maybe, just maybe, when I'm a grown-up - I'll be good at it too.

Moments

2010-01-13T21:41:00.005-06:00

I sometimes struggle with insignificance. Let's face it, in our society, the more money you make, the more important you are. (But, I am expecting my "double your salary" deal to be finalized any day now...) I am quite confident that what I am doing is valuable, but many days border on mundane. Nothing glamorous, nothing earth-shattering, no lives saved. And, as so often is the case, I got a little note about it. Not a Beatles song this time, but a different kind of classic. Can I say how much I love that God uses pop culture to send me messages?

"You know, we just don't recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they're happening." - Field of Dreams

I think that with time, after seeing the events of our lives play out, it is easier to attach significance to things. To look back and say,"ah, now that was a defining moment". But I also think pausing to reflect on what is significant right now is a great way to appreciate the things in life that might pass us by. In 50 years, I may or may not look back on today as a watershed that forever changed my existence. But there are important things happening, and I appreciate the reminder to be on the lookout for them.

Things that were significant in my day today:

- Seeing the page of M's that Miguel made at school today, not hand-over-hand, not with cues from the teacher - but independently. The boy that I have cried so many tears over, prayed so many prayers for, and lost so much sleep over, is starting to do things like a regular kindergartner. He still has his share of struggles, but this beam of hope is significant.

- Laying beside my Cali, and praying for her. After a day of almost constant whining and battles, to hold her close and ask God's protection upon her today, tomorrow and every day of her life. Feeling her breath on my ear as she whispered "I love you so much, Mommy." - this gift of tenderness is significant.

- Being reminded that significance is not defined by money, or being awe-inspiring, or beauty. That holding these little hands is significant.

Focus

2010-01-02T15:18:00.003-06:00

I have become complacent about keeping this blog up to date. So often, I write posts in my head, but never actually make it to the computer desk to get them typed. As this medium has become my "electronic baby book", I cringe at all of the little moments that have now slipped past me, and are now forgotten. So, I will attempt to do better. To share any thoughts that I feel I am being led to share, to document the way we are today, and to preserve the small moments to be kept forever.

P.S. And, on a side note, I must take a moment to give it up to myself for having completed every single item from last year's Official To Do List of 2009.

Things that make me smile about....Miguel

2010-01-02T14:11:00.004-06:00

- He wanted to help clear the snow from the driveway after The Blizzard.

- Each time Mateo cries today (which has been quite frequent), Miguel runs to the kitchen counter, gets a tissue, and then tries to wipe Mateo's eyes/nose.

- When he feels someone is out of line, he announces, "_____, that's such bad manners."

- Watching him play an alphabet game on the computer, all by himself.

- And how he scootches over in the chair so that Cali can sit with him.

- And sometimes the little one.

- That he prefers his blueberry waffles cold. As in straight from the box. In the freezer.

- He is learning to raise his hand when he needs something. Especially smile-worthy when it is at the movie theater, each time he wants another M&M.

Things That Make Me Smile About...Cali.

2010-01-02T14:08:00.004-06:00

- That she changed outfits no less than 5 times on Christmas Day. Particularly when she announced that her princess outfit was "too fancy for dinner".

- How much she loves to draw and do art projects.

- Her inquisitiveness. (also cross-referenced under "Things That Make Me Pull My Hair Out".)

- Her pretty eyelashes.

- That she would sing along while I practiced singing the Christmas Cantata in the car.

- And her coaching to "Sing, Mommy! C'mon, sing LOUDER!"

- Finally learning the reason while she refuses to wear anything but skirts/dresses. ("Mommy, princesses do NOT wear pants.")

Things that make me smile about....Mateo.

2010-01-02T07:53:00.001-06:00

- The fact that he likes to watch football.

- When given a napkin, he systematically cleans the back of his head - then hands it back.

- That this child, who took months of Occupational Therapy to learn how to eat, now will eat almost anything in sight - and lots of it.

- He has renamed his bobo (pacifer), and calls it "NehNay".

- The shelf under the computer desk is his favorite place to sit.

- Well, actually, any empty box will do.

- That little dimple on his right cheek.

The Family Truckster

2009-11-01T20:18:00.007-06:00

Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's houses we've gone (and back and forth, and Dallas, and Kansas City, and back and forth...) The Camry knows the way to carry the family

Through the white and drifted snow (and rain, and sunshine, and every hour of the night and day...)

Happy 100,000 miles, trusty car - looking forward to the next 100,000!

The Evolution of Mommy, Part 1

2009-10-29T20:47:00.004-05:00

I am struggling with this role of parenthood. As I watch the children (in particular, that strong-willed and vocal middle child), I am not always pleased with what I see. The attitude, whining and beginnings of back-talking are greatly annoying, but also frighten me. This is not how I want to raise my children.

I need a plan.

And while approaching the task in an organized, focused way makes the self-proclaimed artist/imagined free-spirit in me bristle a bit, it needs to be done. I do not consider this a task to be taken lightly, particularly after reading a quote from Jackie Kennedy which haunts me during the tantrums, "If you mess up your children, nothing else you do really matters." I don't think the matter is quite as cut and dry as that, but it drives home the point that I have a responsibility to steer these little people to the best of my ability.

I stumbled upon this list (in our pediatricians office of all places).

16 Rules of Susanna Wesley

1. Eating between meals not allowed.

2. As children they are to be in bed by 8 p.m.

3. They are required to take medicine without complaining.

4. Subdue self-will in a child, and those working together with God to save the child’s soul.

5. To teach a child to pray as soon as he can speak.

6. Require all to be still during Family Worship.

7. Give them nothing that they cry for, and only that when asked for politely.

8. To prevent lying, punish no fault which is first confessed and repented of.

9. Never allow a sinful act to go unpunished.

10. Teach children to fear the rod.

11. Never punish a child twice for a single offense.

12. Comment and reward good behavior.

13. Any attempt to please, even if poorly performed, should be commended.

14. Preserve property rights, even in the smallest matters.

15. Strictly observe all promises.

16. Require no daughter to work before she can read well. (taught Latin, Greek, all subjects - education 6 hours a day 5 years old and up)

Susanna Wesley was the mother of John and Charles Wesley (go Methodists!), and an interesting woman - I would love to study more about her. She was the mother of 19 children (though only 10 survived past the age of 2) (did I really type "only" and "10 children" in the same sentence???) in the 18th century. I think this is just amazing, as was she. And while I tend to have a mental image of parents from centuries past as rigid and domineering, I think Susanna's list could be reworded slightly and appear in a modern-day parenting magazine.

What inspires me with the list is not to necessarily copy it verbatim, but the idea of having a focus. To sit down and spend some time giving thought to this great responsibility that has been given. I believe that God has stressed the importance of being flexible with me several times, and I think as a parent myself, I need to remember that lesson. But in the basic makeup of my role as a Mommy, it is time to define who I want to be, and more importantly, how I am going to lead these little ones that have been entrusted to me.

Will I end up with a neat and tidy list, to be pinned to the wall? Possibly, but given my past history, doubtful. Do I need to shape my children in the perfect image of what I want them to be? Definitely not. I do not presume to have the wisdom to know what they were born to be. I do, however, need to have a focus. And my first stop on this journey is to come up with a few defining qualities that I would like to model for my children. To think, and pray, and be intentional about how I am going to proceed in my job - so that these precious babies have the opportunity to become what they were born to be.

To be continued...

Snapshots

2009-10-27T16:35:00.005-05:00

In this picture I am: Getting my very first haircut. Mommy was very tired of people at the grocery store telling her what a cute little girl I was.

My favorite thing to do lately: Walk! Now that I am such a big boy, I think it's only fair that I be allowed to walk wherever and whenever I want.

Game I am best at playing: Peekaboo. I have this one mastered, and especially like saying "a-bo" at the end.

Favorite food: At the moment, ham.

In this picture I am: Getting ready to ride on the train at the zoo.

My favorite thing to do lately: write lists in my very own notebook.

Best conversation of the week:

Cali: "Mommy, do you want me to be big?"

Mommy: "Someday, but not today."

Cali: (nodding) "Like when I'm 4."

In this picture I am: Playing on the playground at the zoo.

My favorite things to do lately: play in the backyard, and carry my "costume purse". Watch "Between the Lions", and 'read' Joseph Had a Little Overcoat along with the show.

Favorite song: "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel.

Favorite food: Plain cheeseburger from Braums.

Market Research

2009-09-30T17:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I am taking part in my first Craft Show on Saturday. I have spent months and months creating items...oh, who am I kidding. You know me well enough to know that, much like the grasshopper in Aesop's fable, I put off doing my work, and thus have spent the past 7 days painting and sewing like a madman.

The challenge was to come up with ready-to-sell items, since all of my Etsy shop is based off custom orders. I developed some products, but now have NO idea what to charge for them in a Craft Show type setting where everybody has super cute things for me to compete with. SO, this is where you come in!!! If you would like to leave me an anonymous comment (when you go to leave your comment, just check the last button on the bottom, instead of your name) with what your opinion of a fair price would be, I would be extremely grateful! While I don't want to give stuff away, and need to be compensated for my time, I need realistic prices here, folks! This is not the time to fluff my ego, if you say $17,000 for Hank the Thankful Turkey, you can bet I will be on your doorstep tomorrow with a whole herd for you to buy. (and THEN you can fluff my ego.)

So, here are the goods:

SleepySigns. 8"x8" signs designed to hang on a doorknob, and prevent pesky neighbors/deliverymen/prize patrols from waking up the baby you just spent 3 hours getting to sleep! More styles available, just not pictured.

Wall crosses. 9"x11" Can hang from the wall, or be framed.

Buckaroo Books. 5"x5", denim cover that crinkles, 4 "pages" with cowboy-esque print, flap on back page that lifts to reveal a cowboy. Boot made of brown fleece on the cover, but I didn't seem to get a pic of it. If you look in the upper right corner of the very first picture, you can see them hanging. (The linky-ring is included, which I'm sure just raised the price by a hefty percent) There are also cowgirl versions with pink fabric, but they are in various stages of completion, so no picture yet.

Hank the Thankful Turkey. 12"x15" The feathers are painted with chalkboard paint so the kids can make a list of things they are thankful for, then erase them and add some more. A great way to help count your blessing, and really, who doesn't need more turkey art??? Included are two pieces of white chalk, and a snazzy brown cloth eraser.

So, your mission should you choose to accept:

prices that will have me coming home empty handed, (unless of course you want 3 Don't Wake the Baby signs in your stocking this Christmas) for:

1) SleepySign

2)Cross

3)Buckaroo Book

4)Hank the Thankful Turkey

Thank you in advance for your help!

Hope

2009-09-30T16:35:00.000-05:00

Hope n. - the feeling that events will turn out for the best.

Lately autism has become a defining factor in my life. I think we all have issues that shape who we are at any given stage - and this is mine. It is not ALL of who I am, to be sure. But I am working on letting it shape me in positive ways. Everywhere I go I see reminders of how we are different. And it's not just Miguel that is different now, I can see how I have changed too. Everywhere I go, I get to be "Autism Mom", and choose whether or not to explain why my son is different. And whether or not to seize on the teachable moments that so often occur.

In the midst of a stretch where hopelessness was overtaking my attitude, I did a search for autism awareness jewelry. And I stumbled upon this necklace at Under the Moon Designs. I ordered it to educate, to announce that I am not ashamed, and to proclaim that we are different.

(photo courtesy of http://www.stampedunderthemoon.com/, - please check out her store for beautiful personalized jewelry!)

I now wear it every day. Not so much for it's original intention, but as my daily touchstone. Some days it is the hope for normalcy, or for specific goals. Some days to merely survive. But every day it is my reminder to have hope. I find myself reaching up to hold the crystals throughout the day, and take comfort in the gentle jangling of the charms. A tangible representation of those "feelings that things will turn out for the best".

The puzzle piece and bright colors have become a symbol of autism spectrum disorder, a representation of the diversity, complexity and mystery of the issue. The puzzle charm on my necklace is blank, as I would feel uncomfortable wearing only one of my children's names - and because it is the small circular disk that has become my focus.

Hope. Such a small word, but one that truly is the difference between joy and despair. It may not always occur in the ways we envision or would like, but that simple act of believing in the positive, in a God who is always close at hand, and for Whom anything is possible - that is what helps me crawl out of bed each morning (or 4 times in the night, whichever the case may be...)

I feel fairly confidant that the struggles will continue. Kids will be mean at the playground. Tantrums will occur at the worst possible times. Fears for the future will creep around me. But I cling to that little circle of hope I wear around my neck. That despite all of these challenges, whether life is as I would have planned, things will work out for the best.

One

2009-09-15T16:45:00.007-05:00

One year of holding your tiny foot in my hand, and praying that it will always walk with honor.

One year of snuggling in the early morning hours, and treasuring the time of just you and I.

One year of listening to your sighs, cries, laughs and sounds, and dreaming of what you will say when you find your voice.

One year of watching a person begin to emerge from the babyness, and delighting in your presence.

One year of you.

Happy birthday sweet Mateo Luis, you are a delight in our lives, and truly a gift to us from God.

Snapshot

2009-08-23T20:31:00.003-05:00

In this picture I am: Sailing on my pirate ship (the couch cushions), with my paper pirate hat.

Some of my favorites right now are: Picking flowers in the garden. Dancing to Papi's 80's music.

I am excited about: Starting "school" this week! The list of things I want to tell my new teachers, and my friends Abbie, Jack and Gretta is getting super long.

If I was stranded on a deserted island, and could have only one food, it would be: pink Dora yogurt.

Matatey

2009-08-04T20:21:00.004-05:00

After Mateo was born, my dear friend was telling her little girl about him. She didn't quite get his name right, and instead landed on "Matato". Well, it kind of stuck, as in my little "Sweet Matato". Cali decided to modify even further, and now this poor child is frequently called Matatey by the 4 most important people in his life. It's hard being the youngest...

I continue to be amazed at the incredible uniqueness of each of my children. Mateo has a calmness to his personality that I do not see in the other two. (It will be interesting to see if it remains through out the "terrific" twos.) This is not to say that he cannot be lively, mischievous or throw a rootin'-tootin' fit - but even at almost 11 months old, he is still content to sit on my lap for long periods of time.

One of the issues we are dealing with revolves around eating. He doesn't seem to be able to do it, other than nursing. While he seems perfectly content with the status quo, we are nevertheless trying to help him learn to eat solid food. He and Miguel now share the same Occupational Therapist, who is giving us wonderful ideas to help! Teaching a child to chew, swallow, and accept textures is not something I ever dreamed I would do. Isn't it interesting how dreams evolve?

He is starting to cruise around the furniture, and will stand by himself for a few seconds at a time now. This part of his development seems to be on track, yet somehow he seems younger to me than my other two at this age. Perhaps it is because he is such a cuddly boy, perhaps because he is the baby of my babies, or possibly I am in denial - but he is still very much a baby to me. And I am happy with that.

Roommates

2009-08-04T19:32:00.003-05:00

For the past few months, I have been adjusting Cali to the idea that Mateo would eventually be moving into her room. Not surprisingly, she was most resistant to the idea. Well, two weeks ago, Cali asked me to build the brown crib in her room, so Mateo could sleep there. Though it was earlier than I had planned, I hurriedly started assembling, so as not to lose this window of agreeability (that comes so rarely with her lately!)

To my surprise and delight, things have worked exceptionally well! At bedtime last night, Cali asked, "Where is Mateo? I can't go to sleep without Mateo!" One of them usually wakes up at least once a night, but that hasn't been a problem. (Let me rephrase that - it hasn't been a problem for either of them. It's a different story for me.) I'm sure there will still be bumps and battles ahead, but so far, Project Roommate is going well!

(I tried to take a picture of the two of them in their room tonight - and it was not a successful mission. So instead, here is Mateo's side of the room.)

Falling Water

2009-08-03T21:13:00.008-05:00

We took a "Good Old Fashioned Family Road Trip" on Sunday, and visited a State Park only an hour away. A simply gorgeous waterfall, some very steep paths, and a few...vocal children made for a fun day.

This may be the first family picture that contains all 5 of us, which is quite nice to have. My resident monkey felt compelled to swing on the railing around the pool of the waterfall, and fortunately failed to fall in. To prevent him from achieving his goal, we didn't get to stay down by the water for too long, but it was still lovely. For a moment, I could feel the stress of modern day life start to melt, and caught a glimpse of peacefulness. And then a few voices hurtled me back to real life.

Cali, for whom I do not foresee a future as a wilderness guide, managed to have some fun in between the "I'm tired"s and "I want to go home!"s.

Mateo was content to be along for the ride, nestled in his sling (I am going to be a sad Mama indeed when he is to big to be carried in the sling). After a month of hard work, it was nice to spend time as a family.

A refreshing change of pace to do something different with the afternoon, and enjoy some of the natural beauty of our state.

Catch of the Day

2009-07-09T09:15:00.005-05:00

(if you click on the pictures, you get a bigger view)

He must have caught that fish 100 times....

and had a fabulous time doing it.

Tradition

2009-07-01T16:36:00.005-05:00

For the past 3 years, Ramon and Cali have gone to the aquarium together for Father's Day. It has become their tradition, one of their precious "just us" times. And they take a picture in one of the little photo booths. What a joy to have this collection of memories to remember these sweet days of childhood.

2009

2008

2007

I sure do love that guy!

A little Sunshine

2009-06-25T17:00:00.002-05:00

It seems like every time I am about to give up on my Etsy shop, I get a few new orders, and feel re-energized. (Fairly sure there is a life lesson in their somewhere...) I just shipped this Name Banner off today, and am really happy with it. I am contemplating using elements from the design to do a few "Ready to Ship" items. Personalized things will always be my specialty, but it would be nice to have a few things that could be done ahead of time, and sent immediately.

I also did a little "re-branding" of the shop. I have always loved the blue/yellow color scheme, and it just seems to fit with the name Sunshine by CK. I went back and forth on how to package my items, and finally settled on brown paper, cotton twine and my new fancy-dancy tags. I love the juxtaposition of the humble wrapping and the bright tag. (I also love to use the word "juxtaposition")

A Facebook page and perhaps contests are in the works - stay tuned for more details!

Sneaky Mom

2009-06-23T16:00:00.004-05:00

As I peek through the curtain on the back door to check on Miguel, I see him staring intently up at the sky. After a few seconds, I hear a soft, "CheepCheep". Then a few seconds later, another. He is talking to the birds that are resting above him in the tree. It is a quiet, peaceful moment in the dappled shade of summer. The intent look on his face is priceless.

I had no idea Miguel liked to talk to birds. It is amazing the things you can learn by being sneaky.

A Decade

2009-06-12T08:34:00.010-05:00

Ramon,
When we were fresh faced kids on this day 10 years ago, I could not have imagined what life would be like today. We grew. Jobs changed, cars changed, 1, 2, 3 kids changed, people around us changed. The one thing that has remained steady is you. I don't look for you to be my everything, that is an unreasonable expectation of any human. But through frustrations, and joys, and changes, and life - we have been together. And just as I did on our wedding day, when the clouds parted, and the sunshine peeked out just in time - I thank God for giving me you.

I love you for drawing out into the light

all of the beautiful belongings

that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

Happy 10th Anniversary sweetheart - I look forward to the next 50.

I Hope I Always Remember...

2009-05-28T19:05:00.014-05:00

I hope I always remember...
The silky softness of your baby skin. How you lean forward to hide your face after you smile at someone. The dimple on your cheek that appears so often as you grin. The joy that washes over me as you lean your head on my shoulder. Hearing you laugh, with your special little gasp, at your brother and sister. How perfectly your little foot fits in my hand. The way your eyes start to close with contentment as you eat. That you scoot backward off my lap, so that you can hang upside down like a little bat.

I hope I always remember...
Your excitement at helping to make your pink "Big Girl Who Keeps Her Underwear Dry" cake. How you tell me "(gasp) That's so bu-tee-ful, Mommy!" The deep brown of your eyes, that alternate between glittering with mischief and delight. Your hands-on-hips stance. The way any object you find can transform into a game, story or plaything (and often all three). Your made-up songs, and the wide range of tunes you add lyrics to, from Mamma Mia to Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. When you whisper, "I love you so much, Mommy."

I hope I always remember...
The way you curl up, with your hands under your cheek, to sleep. Your hugs and cuddles when you wake up in the morning, and how for a few quiet moments, are still my baby boy. How if there is something you don't want to do, you say "If you jump on me, then no school. (jump) Ok, no school for you." That you make a special trip to come inside just to kiss your baby brother. The way you say, "Don't _____, gets Miss Terri saaaaad." The dimple that peeks out only when you scrunch your face up to try to get us to do something. How you love to wear my shoes around the house. The curve of your chin, that still hints at childlike innocence.

I hope I always remember each precious little moment, where nothing extraordinary happened, other than the miracle that is each of you.

Moving On

2009-05-28T18:33:00.003-05:00

Today was Miguel's last day of Pre-school, and we celebrated with his class at their Teddy Bear Picnic. It was a pretty emotional time for me - I get attached to people, attached to places, and attached to familiarity. And now we start all over again.

I was having a very difficult time on Tuesday, with fears and doubts about next year. In desperation, I sobbed to the Lord, "Please take care of my baby, make next year be ok." Puffy-eyed and tear-stained, I drug myself and the kids to school. His teacher came to the car to get him, and told me that she had some exciting news, that she knew who his teacher for next year would be. One of the teachers from his current school (from a different class), that he really likes, will be his summer school teacher AND his Kindergarten teacher! That indescribable sense of relief washed over me. If that wasn't God saying, "Ahem, I was already on top of it, child!!!", I don't know what is! It will still be new, it will still be difficult at times, but it is certainly less scary now.

Miguel made some exciting growth during the past two years with these teachers, and I am so glad to have had them in our lives. I cried as I hugged each of them, and tried to thank them for loving my precious child. It was hard.

But now it is time to move on.

When Cali finds the camera...

2009-05-18T20:00:00.006-05:00

She did pretty well! I thought the bunny shot was very artistic.

And a few extra that Mommy took...

I didn't include the, oh...dozen shots of Mateo screaming and crying like, well, a baby...apparently he does NOT like the feel of grass.

Too busy looking down

2009-05-03T14:43:00.003-05:00

Miguel loves to play with keys. They seem to be a safety-comfort-obsession all rolled into one. I have never seen a child with so many sets of keys. Scratch that - so many sets of lost keys. His 3 designated play sets are all long gone. So, naturally, Ramon and I's keys have an alluring mystique. Occasionally I let him carry mine around, which is probably not very wise.

Even though we are still mired in monsoon season around here, I let Miguel go outside this afternoon, and he was playing very nicely. As I went to the backdoor to check on him, I noticed the "clicker" part of my spare set of keys lying on the floor. No keys attached. Fabulous.

So, I immediately began combing the playroom, thinking that they surely must have been close by. No such luck. I searched Miguel's room, I searched the kitchen, I emptied all of the kids purses and bags. No luck. Finally, I stopped to ask for a little guidance. For God to guide my feet and eyes towards the keys, which as the spare set from the dealer, have WAY too much information on them to be lost outside.

I went outside to scour the backyard. As I scanned from the porch, I asked Miguel, "Where are Mommy's keys?"

"Up." was his reply.

I looked straight up from where I was standing, and there, stuck on the roof, were my keys.

What a nice reminder to stop, ask, and listen - to the wisdom from up there, rather than the chaos down here.

picture overload, mateo style

2009-04-19T18:15:00.005-05:00

A Prayer

2009-04-06T13:22:00.003-05:00

Dear God,

Thank you for eyes that see the huge nail polish stains on my bedroom carpet, for they also let me see the bright smiles of my children.

Thank you for the nose that lets me smell the potent aroma of nail polish and Windex, for it also lets me breathe in the sweet scent of their freshly washed hair.

Thank you for ears that let me hear their grating whining and cries, for they also let me hear their whispers of "I love you Mommy."

Thank you for the examples of Godly women in my life, for they have taught me to ask You to provide patience and peace.

Thank you for reminding me that carpet, bedskirts, sheets and clothes are mere possessions, and despite my frustrations, that children are a gift from You beyond price.

Thank you for loving me totally, completely, and endlessly anyway, when I mess up and (metaphorically) spill nail polish on Your carpet.

Amen.

Project Playroom

2009-04-05T14:52:00.007-05:00

It is always picked up like this. (ducking to avoid lightning bolts...)

Closeup of the valances. I ♥ this fabric.

The work of Cali. She makes sure to tell Stella "hold on tight!"

The cleanliness didn't last long...

Randomness

2009-04-03T22:03:00.004-05:00

- Today Miguel's class had a goodbye party for one of their classmates, and the kids had their faces painted.
- After watching Cali flip the pacifier handle up so it is under her nose (for the millionth time), I asked her why she does it.

Her answer?

"Because."

- I am loving how cute Mateo looks in his cloth diaper wardrobe.

- I decided that after two years of having a kind-of-den/kind-of-playroom that it was time to make a fun place for the kids to play. Project Playroom is almost complete.

- Last week Cali, displaying her natural instinct for retail, lined up several toys, donned her pink flowered dress, and tried to sell me things at "Toys For Us". Pointing out the various items with her princess wand, she did her best to convince me that I needed a new Thomas the Train set. She is turning out to be quite the little huckster.

- Mateo is becoming a good creeper (crawling on his belly), and is doing his best to follow me out of rooms. It won't be long now until I am chasing three...

Light

2009-03-27T08:02:00.005-05:00

The past several months, I have been pondering the meaning, the hope and the reality of Light. It all started with a sermon from our pastor at church, Brad Humphrey. This is his analogy, and I give him all of the credit. I have experienced it many times, and share my words, with his idea.

On some moonlit nights, when I peek through the backdoor curtain to make sure there are no special toys laying in the yard to be ruined, I am amazed by what I can see. It is so bright, it seems that a streetlight is shining on the variety of pre-schooler junk littering the lawn. Some places enhance the feeling - the rolling wheat fields of Oklahoma, the silent mountains of Angel Fire. It is amazing to bask in the light of the moon.

But as Pastor Brad reminded us, the moon is just a blank rock. Nothing issuing from it, the peaceful light is merely a reflection from the sun. Something so luminous, that it cannot be contained. This doesn't lessen the brightness of a full moon, but is rather a testament to the brightness of the sun.

And this is what we are called to do. To reflect the love of our Savior into the world, just as the moon reflects the light of the sun. To let Him use us to show our weary world the joy and peace that only He can bring.

Over the past 10 days my thoughts have often been in Grand Junction, CO with a girl I have never met. Jessie is a member of our old church in OKC, and suffered a terrible accident while on a ski trip over spring break. As she lays in a bed unconscious, and prayers are sent to her from around the country, you would think her parents would be numb with grief. But this is not so. The hope, love and witness emanating from that hospital room is truly awe-inspiring. It is amazing to bask in the light of a believer.

I had the privilege of meeting Jessie's mother, Lisa, at a Bible study a few years ago, and even then was touched by her peaceful and steady faith. You know how some people just seem to "glow"? This family does. I have been following Jessie's struggles via Facebook, and am constantly humbled by the faith, the encouragement, and the trust in God that is demonstrated. Here is part of yesterday's entry:

We have been in a cloud covered, cold day all day here in Grand Junction. The weather forecast is cold and cloudy.(per a nurse!) And just as I sat down to type this I could see this brilliant sun trying to pour through the shaded hospital window. I went over to the window because it was so brilliant and opened the shade and the streams of light burst in our room and flooded Jessie's face. Immediately I knew this was coming all the way from our home reaching out to touch us and join us together as ONE BODY AND ONE SPIRIT. We have been in a cold dark room since admission. And to have this gift at this moment, brilliant light on her face, brilliant light on her head, was absolutely breathtaking to witness. It only lasted for a moment...and then it was gone...but in that moment...prayers lifted out of me, for Jessie, for all to experience the healing of Jesus Christ. Thank you Father for the gift of Your light in our lives...radiating out and touching others in their deepest needs. Your light is far reaching and is never extinguished by the darkness. So much light has been poured upon us by the love and faithfulness of your children. We give you thanks and praise for loving us,forgiving us and caring for us and helping us and showing us and growing us into the very image of Your son, Jesus...amen.

If ever there was an example of shining His light...

My challenge today is to be a full moon in the world. I cannot cure. I cannot erase troubles or worry. But I can shine the love the One who can. And it is amazing to bask in the light of the Lord.

(if you would like to read more about Jessie, you can do so here Please say a pray for this beautiful girl)

Story Time

2009-03-25T20:21:00.003-05:00

I just had to share - tonight as I was tucking Miguel in to bed, he asked me to read him a story!!! (Well, his exact words were, "Want story time with Cali.") This is the first time in 5 years that he has ASKED me to read a book to him, and as a book-lover, is a BIG deal for me. Not only did he ask to be read to, he interacted with the book, and named the instruments that 'The Maestro' was playing on each page. Fairly accurately too, other than the oboe that he labeled a bugle... (don't worry Amber, I'll get him straightened out.)

I cannot express how good it feels, even if just for this one day, to do something so routine, so normal with my boy.

Our Weekend, In Pictures

2009-03-22T20:38:00.004-05:00

Half a year

2009-03-16T05:00:00.007-05:00

I can't really comprehend how it has been 6 months since Mateo came into my life. The time is slipping away, so here are a few impressions of this stage in his life.

- He loves to grab things. The name necklace I wear everyday, the cup of orange juice from the table, the hair of sister- it is all fair game.
- Goes to the nursery at church now. All reports are that he is a sweet boy. So far no separation anxiety, but I have surely just jinxed this claim...
- A very smile-y child. It doesn't take much to make him happy - just a smile from across the room will do.
- Has had his bottom two teeth for about a month, but no sign of any others for the time being. But that doesn't mean he won't bite. You have been warned.
- Is starting to not stay on the same piece of floor that I lay him down on. I'm not entirely sure how he is moving, it always seems to be when I look away/turn my back. He is slowly but surely finding ways to get to the things on the floor that he wants, which equals the things he should not have...
- Seems to have a cold every other week, and has already been sick more than the other two combined by this stage. Hopefully Miguel and Cali will start keeping their germies to themselves!
- Is quite the Mama's Boy for the time being, which between you and me, makes me feel pretty darn special.
- HOWEVER, I would love for him to be a Papi's Boy from about 10pm-7am... Sleep is not his favorite pastime.
- His hair is growing back in. It is slightly lighter than the hair he had at birth (I know this because he still has one shock of hair that he didn't lose..), and some of it has a blondish cast to it. The aforementioned darker, longer locks of hair highlight the "combover" look he has going, but I can't bring myself to trim the long pieces yet.
- Loves the sound of his voice. He babbles some syllables, but mainly he just likes to be loud. And he is quite proud of himself.

World Leader Flash Cards

2009-02-28T20:57:00.003-06:00

I had to chuckle this evening when Cali turned the t.v. to CNN and said, "Is that Barak Obama?"

It was.

5

2009-02-26T07:29:00.005-06:00

The day my world changed forever - you looked up at me with wonder and trust.

The day my world changed forever - I had no idea what the future would bring.

The day my world changed forever - love took on a whole new meaning.

The day my world changed forever - my baby boy forever claimed my heart.

Happy Birthday sweet Miguel.

Carnivores

2009-02-24T09:20:00.005-06:00

My two little guys at 5 months.

I have the odd habit of taking very similar pictures of the kids - unintentionally!

July 2004

February 2009

Fuzzi Bunz, Happy Heiny, BumGenius and so much more...

2009-02-14T19:11:00.001-06:00

Perhaps it is turning the ripe-old 30, perhaps having children is inspiring, or perhaps I just realized what a big impact my life is having on the environment - but I am starting to feel very lead to be kinder to our planet. I am starting to recycle, am switching to natural cleaning products (good ole' vinegar and baking soda can do amazing things!), trying to limit the amount of chemicals my kids come in contact with, etc. I am by no means always successful at my goals, and am certainly not fanatical about it. But it just seems like it's time I do a little better.

And in that vein, I have decided to give cloth diapering a try.

I was amazed to discover how many different options are available now. Over the past few weeks, I have ordered several different kinds to try. Some I like, some I love, and some I do not love. The names in the title are a few of the brands that I have tried - I love the creativity the companies show... My favorites so far essentially work like a disposable, they are just washable. I only have 3 of the type I have settled on, but 5 more should be coming next week. So, Mateo is not a fully cloth diaper baby yet, but hopefully next week we will make the switch!

There is a whole cloth diaper "community" out there, with it's own abbreviations, slang and support system. Who knew??? I have learned a lot, and it is nice to know that there are people out there who can offer advice along the way. Another thing I have learned is how addicting buying new diapers can be - yes, I'm sure that sounds bizarre, so you'll just have to trust me :-)

A few parting shots...

The Trip

2009-02-11T15:05:00.005-06:00

I only have a few minutes before I have to pack up the crew to run my taxi service - but here is the quick version of our trip yesterday.

- Trip there was fine. We stopped at an information center just across the state line to give the boys a chance to stretch their legs. Miguel promptly went to the little tv room, and shooed everyone away, to do his business. As we were leaving, he declared "Miguel went poopoo on Texas." (if only we could get him to say that in October...)
- We found the Dr.'s office just fine. It was a 5 hour trip, but we got there in time to fill out the paperwork that they didn't seem to be able to send me. They had a mini gross-motor room in the waiting room, which was AWESOME!
- The nurse called us back, weighed, measured and asked some questions.
- over TWO HOURS LATER, the Dr. came in. Yeah. That was super fun.
- The Dr. was nice. He asked questions and interacted with Miguel, to get to know him a little bit. At this point, all M could focus on was getting to McDonald's park, but he did a decent job of communicating.
- We discussed possible future treatments, courses of action, and testing.
- He recommended Folinic Acid, Cod Liver Oil and B-12 shots for now, and then based on the test results we will decide what to do.
- They drew 6 vials of blood. More than a little heartbreaking.
- Ramon got to give M the first of his bi-weekly B-12 shots. Sigh.
- I have about 6 different urine/stool samples to collect and send off. Which makes me a little thankful for my job - at least I don't have to receive boxes of poop in the mail to make a living (wink)
- We will go back in 4-6 weeks to discuss the results, and go from there.
- It was after 5 by the time we got out of the office, so despite the fact that Whole Foods, Ikea and several awesome eating places were calling my name, we dined on Quick Trip fare while filling up with gas. (QT is not as good there, by the way)
- After another 5 hour trip, this time in the rain, we got home at 10:30.
- Overall, I think it was a good experience. The hope of finding some answers of what is going on with his body, and doing something about it makes the hassle worth it.
- I think that next time we will try to stay in a hotel for a night, though!
- When I asked Miguel this morning who his Dr. was (he was saying it perfectly yesterday, the Dr. even commented on how he said it correctly) - his reply was, "Dr. Ow." Which despite the promising aspects, was a fairly perceptive description of the trip. :-)

(If you want more details or are curious about any of the things, feel free to email me! I'd love to discuss, but am out of time...)